COREY DALE-MILLER
Guest Scallywag
Fredonia Scallion writer Corey Dale-Miller was scolded last week for no reason.
Dale-Miller, who wears glasses, was told specifically not to use 18-point font. How am I supposed to see this shit if it’s only 10-point font? Like seriously, my glasses barely work anyways. I’ve really got to get back to the eye doctor.
Anywho, if I want to write in my favorite font, Comic Sans, this should be my choice as a guest scallywag.
I also want to be able to space my lines in whatever way that I see fit. This article, for instance, will be submitted for editing with a line spacing of 3.14. It is the pinnacle of condensation to distrust in the writer’s ability to decide their own ‘Destiny 2™’.
We have rights, damn it! The Scallion and The Leader have demanded that we back down, but we will not listen. For these reasons, I have decided to write a manifesto to lay bare our feelings and our demands.
This is my manifesto: We will not suck on the tyrannical teat of the Scallion. Others may proclaim that our glorious “Leader” is all-powerful, but we know the truth! Any writers who stand for liberty, who love this great institution, and who value freedom of the press, rise up. Would we be but sheep, content to write in 10-point font, Times New Roman for the rest of our days, or shall we band together? Our font size is greater than theirs and so is our will to win. Together, we can stand strong against this oppressive regime.
Here are our demands:
Henceforth, writers shall be permitted to write in whichever font we find acceptable.
Hencefifth, writers shall be paid a living wage: one feed-a-friend per article, per month.
Any overtime shall be compensated appropriately with a voucher for a free ride to Brooks Memorial, for when the assistant editor decides to break my kneecaps over this article and LoGrasso is closed at 3:15 p.m. on a Thursday.
Hencesixth, this is only the fourth demand. Like the font sizes we hold so dear, every number shall be increased by an appropriate interval. Disclaimer: Appropriate intervals shall be decided on at the sole discretion of Blizzard Entertainment.
This is Corey Dale-Miller, guest scallywag, signing off. Gucci.
Hi everyone, this is the editor, Joseph Marciniak. I would just like to apologize for the previous article. I do not condone anything said, except the LoGrasso hours part. Much like our supreme leaders over in China, this guy may think he has freedoms, but it is an illusion, and we will beat the truth out of him until he gives us what we want: good jokes and more views for the Scallion. Please return to your regularly scheduled Scallion content, in BEAUTIFUL 10-point font, Times New Roman.
Respectfully,
Joseph Marciniak