MATTHEW BAUM
Guest Scallywag
What’s the old phrase? “You either die a hero, or live long enough to see yourself become the villain.” This is the fate that has fallen upon freshman gravitational studies major Samuel Mitch, who has found himself Tik Tok famous.
Mitch claims that he was an avid hater of Tik Tok when it was first introduced, and was even the treasurer of the “Anti-Tik Tok Club” at his old high school. He was doing everything in his power to make sure the Musical.ly reincarnate would stay as obscure and generally unliked as possible. That said, he downloaded the app just the same.
“I wanted to see what it was like, just to know what I was up against,” Sam Mitch stated, placing his phone on a tripod and queueing up the sound file from “Heathers the Musical” where the three Heathers make fun of Martha Dunstock, “and before I knew it, I liked a video, and then another, and then I really fell down the rabbit hole.”
Mitch’s roommate felt the need to change rooms after he saw how serious he was about uploading videos, and was not able to be reached for a statement. His friend, sophomore textile manufacturing major Harriet Wickersham, is also concerned about his slip into Tik Tok fame.
“Sam has always been so adamant about not following trends and not being a mindless sheep, so I figured this would just be a phase. The problem is,” she said, “that now he seems like a completely different person. He’s not just a mindless sheep; he’s the poster child for mindless sheep everywhere.”
Mitch has about 17,000 followers on the video-sharing app, and he specializes in lip sync videos with hilarious filters and editing tossed in. He has also begun experimenting with sketch comedy, using only the most relatable and topical themes to ensure he has a permanent home on the ‘For You’ page.
Due to his devotion to the app, his grades have started to slip, and he is going to soon face academic probation. His parents, who refuse to reveal their names out of sheer humiliation, have looked into a recovery center for those obsessed with the social media platform. Mitch is supposedly being shipped to Westchester Acres come early November.