COREY DALE-MILLER
Terrifying Guest Scallywag
I know, folks. It’s fall. You want to have some fun. And what could possibly be more enthralling than jumping into a pile of leaves?
Halloween is coming up, and you might think that it is time to get into the holiday spirit.
But I’m here to tell you that you are wrong. Dead wrong. According to a new study published by Birch University, trees are alive.
You know what that means. We have been dancing on their children’s graves.
Wake up sheeple!
Leaves are important; just as important as any human life. When historians look back on our society in thousands of years, will they see a great people, a guiding light for future innovation and progress, or will they see little Timmy grinding his new Adidas into the shriveled remains of those poor leaf babies?
As living beings, trees, and by extension their leaves, must be treated with decency and respect. At the very least can we just agree to not dance on their rotting corpses?
God is watching and She is very disappointed.
Leaf these poor leaves alone. Their mass graves are curated systematically by people paid to collect them. That’s already messed up enough without your four-year-old stomping on their fragile bodies, spreading them out again and creating a never-ending cycle of death and desecration. Should we not strive to break down the barriers that relegate trees to second class citizens?
Leaf Erikson day has come and gone another year without any social progress made. This, as we all know, was leaf independence day, when the trees broke free of government subservience and the judicial branch decided that we should allow them their rights.
Now, I know that some of you are a bit more traditional and aren’t too keen on trees growing in our neighborhoods. I want you to know that I hear you, but can we really justify violence against them? Perhaps it is time to say loud and clear that we stand by the trees. They are living beings and they deserve our respect (as long as it doesn’t threaten capitalism).
Let us definitively extend an olive branch of peace. Oh shit, that was your cousin? Sorry.
UPDATE: The Scallion has since been made aware that thousands of pumpkins a year are gutted and have symbols carved into their flesh. If you or anyone you know has any more information on this genocide, please reach out to our editor, Joseph Marciniak.
UPDATE 2: With a heavy heart, we at the Scallion must report that we have been informed that this very publication is printed on the dead flesh of our majestic tree friends. While we will not be changing the medium, we hope that any tree readers out there will understand our commitment to trees.