MATTHEW BAUM
Horrifying Staff Scallywag
In a recently-published article in a scientific journal, a group of statisticians and biologists have made a breathtaking discovery. According to the six years of data analysis the group has compiled, Earth is now considered the most dangerous planet in the solar system.
Head Researcher and Fredonia Alum Reginald Doomand-Glumski was contacted by Staff Scallywag Matthew Baum about his team’s latest revelation.
“It’s hard to believe, but the numbers don’t lie,” Dr. Doomand-Glumski claimed, his face covered with sweat. “There are more than 7 billion people on this planet, and there are zero people on other planets. The thing is, that would be fine, except that makes Earth the planet where the most people have ever died by default!”
Along with this reality-shifting realization, the eccentric researcher also pointed out that Earth is the planet with the highest poverty rates and percentage of kale enthusiasts of any in the observable universe.
A group of die-hard Mars-Truthers, an organization formed to demand the federal government to come clean about the colony of human pioneers sent to Mars during the Prohibition Era, have denied these claims. The founder of the Mars-Truthers Organization, Craig Liszt, stated that after the Mars explorers landed on the red planet, they quickly began reproducing and now outnumber the population of the Earth.
“Warren G. Harding’s science staff was very shifty,” Liszt declared with a shaking fist, “because they made the rockets have drills on the front, to drill under the surface of Mars, then the astronauts would just live underground. They started creating the new generation of Martian-Americans, and by my estimates, there have got to be at least 95 billion of ‘em just living underground on Mars. And with numbers like that, do you think they all get along hunky-dory? No! So they’re all over there slaughtering each other, and that’s why the government is covering it up! Their experiment failed, and they’re trying to cover their tracks!”
Liszt continued babbling about the use of alcohol in rocket fuel and the liftoff of the Mars Expeditions being mistaken for fireworks when Baum ended the interview.
Whether or not you believe the word of the Mars-Truthers, you must admit that these times are trying. Earth is, at the very least, the second-most dangerous place humans have ever lived.
So watch. Your. Back.