YOUR PARENT/GUARDIAN
Guest Scallywag
If you need some encouragement for the rest of the semester, please continue reading.
Oh, hey there son/daughter/non-gendered child, it is I, your father/mother/legal guardian. I just wanted to take a moment here in the Scallion section of the newspaper to tell you I’m real proud of all the work you’ve been doing, or possibly haven’t been doing.
I know you’ve been really passionate about that play/sports game/novel/story/poem/miscellaneous work you’ve been working on. I just wanted to say you’re doing a fantastic job! It is a phenomenal piece of work or movement, and I’m really proud of you for it.
Back home? Things have been going great! Your father/mother/legal guardian’s partner have been doing phenomenal work and recently achieved a promotion in his/her/their/xyr job, working as a lawyer/doctor/pharmacist/marine biologist/other miscellaneous common job. I am really proud of him/her/them/xem, and I hope you are too!
I hear your midterm grades were great/good/ok/awful/failing! That’s great/ok/not the best/mediocre to hear! I’m sure you’ll improve/continue being great/work harder and I’m going to be proud the whole time!
I heard a rumor you may have a girlfriend/boyfriend/partner/friend with benefits/hook up. Please call me soon so I can hear all about xem/her/him/them!
I’m glad you read this, and I hope you have a wonderful rest of your day!
Just remember, while this article may be for laughs, whoever your true parent/guardian is actually are very proud of you, so give them a call and tell them you love them!