COREY DALE-MILLER
Guest Scallywag
Breaking news: Florida man who drove Google Street View car with the supposed purpose of updating Google Maps crashed into an alligator this past Sunday.
The man, Steri O. Type was found shirtless on the side of the road, tussling with the great beast.
“What hath God wrought,” Type was quoted as saying as the car burned in the background.
Upon further investigation, it was discovered that there had been an oversight in the Google Street View car manufacturing plant for this particular vehicle.
When interviewed, director of manufacturing, Foure Ghets gave the Scallion a statement: “So, uh, the vehicle was passed for safety, but one of our lesser employees had, uh, forgotten to install a specific program called Google Drive.”
When pressed further on the function of Google Drive, Ghets had this to say: “You see, Google Drive normally acts as a storage for documents from Google Docs or Google Slides, but when installed to one of our Google Street View cars, it allows the car to drive itself. Because the application was not installed on this car, it simply did not know how to drive and the application, as well as the car, crashed.”
When we reached out to Google for a statement, they responded with the following: “Two weeks ago, one of our Google Street View cars was stolen from our Fort Lauderdale storage facility. We were unable to locate the vehicle because, in addition to forgetting Google Drive, the manufacturer also managed to forget to install Google Maps. If the car had not crashed, we would likely still be looking for it and for Mr. Type today.”
We traveled to Type’s jail cell to get a quote.
“Yeah, I guess it was a spur of the moment kind of thing,” he said. “It was a few weeks of constant spur of the moment decisions, you understand. The only thing that prevented me from making any future spontaneous decisions was that gator. She really came out of nowhere. When I get out, I promise that I’ll never do anything this sudden ever again.”
Type then proceeded to strip down naked and demand that we bring him a burger from Wendy’s.
At press time, a representative from the local jail gave us this statement about the escape of Type: “The sheriff, who unbeknownst to us was also a resident of Florida, apparently let him out after taking a sizeable dose of methamphetamines. While we investigate this incident, we will be looking around the local area for a replacement sheriff. Hopefully, we will find someone who does not live in Florida.”