JOSEPH MARCINIAK
Editor of the Scallion
Fredonia’s small businesses are beaming after the news that this small town has won the “Small Business Revolution.” The $1.6 billion corporation “Deluxe” specializes in revitalizing small businesses and ensuring they succeed throughout the future. And let me be the first to say, thank God this billion dollar corporation is showing us how it’s done.
“Without the inspiration of Ty Pennington, or Jeff Bezos, I don’t know if my business would be the same,” Michael Scott, owner of Mike’s Cereal Shack said in an interview. “I am glad that the fate of my small business has been saved by the fact that a huge corporation made a bunch of small towns battle over who gets approximately 1/14th of the CEO Barry McCarthy’s yearly salary.”
That number isn’t made up, by the way. The CEO of Deluxe made $7,352,496 in 2018 alone. Wow, he must work really hard!
Other business owners have set up full blown monuments to Deluxe in hopes they are chosen as one of the five small businesses.
Owner of the Ghost of Maria’s Pizza, Maria Spizza, has a full portrait of Ty Pennington hung on the wall in hopes her business will stick out.
“We can only hope these fabulously wealthy people notice our poor poor struggling business and have pity on our pathetic souls,” said Spizza.
This next part of the article is for workers of Deluxe and Ty Pennington only, so please stop reading if you are neither.
(Uhh, hey guys, haha. I know I wrote some pretty mean stuff but please pay my tuition. I promise I’ll write another article next week about how amazing the company is. I’ll even feature a picture of a muscular Ty Pennington; we have the people to make a photo like that. I’m sure the $1,260,000 bonus your CEO got in 2018 was totally earned and not made off the backs of working class people that will never make its way back into the economy through the facade of us being in a “trickle-down” economy. Again, love you guys, please pay my tuition and I will take it all back.)