COREY DALE-MILLER
Guest Scallywag
For those of you who haven’t heard, SUNY Fredonia has been the recipient of a generous donation for a top tier eSports gaming lounge. The lounge will be located in Schulz Hall and sports the Fredonia Blue Devil’s color, blue. The lounge has already received a lot of praise from students, especially those who are participants in our very own eSports Club. We have it all now: Thirteen Alienware gaming desktop computers, two TV screens, and three gaming consoles, including an Xbox One, a Playstation 4, and a Nintendo Switch. The room is a tapestry of beauty, sure to bring a smile to the faces of all those lucky enough to decide to visit it.
Unfortunately, despite all the odds being in our favor, this expensive addition of an eSports lounge to our great campus did not change the sad fact that our eSports teams suck. They suck so bad. And, if we’re being honest, our worst team by far is our Dota 2 team. According to some research I did on Wikipedia, “Dota 2 is a multiplayer online battle arena video game developed and published by Valve.” Now, I don’t really know what that means because I did not bother to read the rest of the article, but I still have to write this, so here we go.
The statistics for our Dota 2 team are not pretty. In my research, I discovered that our team has never won a championship. In fact, they have never even won a single game. I attempted to reach out to the Dota 2 team captain for a comment, but I was unable to reach them.
It certainly appears that, despite the incredible addition of our new gaming lounge, our eSports teams are not stepping up to the plate. How could it be that throwing a massive amount of money at the Club did nothing to change their win rate? I’m no mathematician, but I think a continued record of no wins from our Dota 2 team makes them complete zeros. Get it? Because that’s how many wins they have. LOL.
I sat down with eSports Club president, Kenny Price for a few hard-hitting questions. This is how he chose to answer them:
Scallywag: “So Mr. Price, how can you explain the devastating win rate we’ve seen from your Dota 2 team this season?”
Price: “I want to be perfectly clear. We do not have a Dota 2 team. I have done my best to relay this to you, and I am not sure what else to say.”
Scallywag: “Dodging the question again I see. How can you defend a team with no registered wins? At this point, they might as well not even exist. That money could have been put to use on much better things, like the Fun and Logic Club”
Price: “I don’t have any more time for this. We’re done here.”
So as you can see, folks, this is how I’m being treated. Maybe we could all learn something from this. The moral here is: Don’t spend money on people who dodge questions. I for one sincerely hope that the next large donation that the school receives goes directly to our most intellectually honest sector, The Scallion.