DOM MAGISTRO
Staff Scallywag
[That’s Staff Scallywag as in staff satirist. We made this story up, OK. That’s what satirists do. This is a humor section. So stop calling us, already!]
[UPDATE: A letter from Joseph Marciniak, Scallion Editor]
That’s right, you heard it here first, folks. The Village of Fredonia has been disqualified from the prize of a $500,000 investment after a claim that fraudulent voting has occurred. Apparently, the daily emails coercing daily votes from people who do not live in the Village of Fredonia and will not visit downtown Fredonia when they attend school at SUNY Fredonia constitute as voter fraud.
Ty Pennington, best known for being the guy that yells “Move that bus!” and co-hosting “Small Business Revolution,” announced recently that season five will not be recorded in the Village of Fredonia, N.Y. It will instead be hosted in the town of Buford, Wyo.
“I’m sorry, Revolutionaries, but it seems that the State University of New York at Fredonia sent out daily emails and coerced thousands of votes out of college students who paid for that email account to be used for school purposes, not winning competitions. That said, I suppose we’re left no option but to pack up our camera crew and move that bus to Buford,” tweeted Pennington.
Buford is a beautiful town with a population of one. It boasts a single house, a post office and a gas station. I bet that after the “Small Business Revolution” fluffs it up a bit and invests in its small business, the town’s population will skyrocket exponentially.
[RELATED: Fredonia to be featured on ‘Small Business Revolution’]
Pennington reportedly punched a hole in the drywall of his office when he found out about the university’s trickery.
“Are you serious? I really have to go to Bu-frick nowhere, now? And I have to be excited about it?” Pennington said. Sources say Pennington then burst into tears at his desk, turning a framed picture of Fredonia face-down before losing control.
It is good to know in these trying times that at least one industry in America still takes voter fraud seriously.
Do not fret, Fredonia residents, there is always next season. Just because you were disqualified as a finalist for the season five recording does not mean you are disqualified forever.