JOSEPH MARCINIAK
Editor of the Scallion
In a surprising landslide in the Iowa Democratic Primary, 100 percent of delegates were pledged to Jeb Bush. Many believed it was due to errors in the app they used, but the DNC has confirmed that Jeb Bush has won.
Many Democrats are outraged, but not surprised.
“We probably shouldn’t hedge all our bets on Iowa to decide our president, but eh, screw it. Vote blue no matter who, right?” Chicago native and world-renowned hot dog-eater Garry Hunderson said.
The DNC released a statement, hoping to ease the belief the caucus may have been rigged. In the statement, President Thomas Perez of the DNC said, “We promise we have done nothing to change these results. Really, I can’t complain: Jeb is a man of integrity! Not only that, but thank God it’s not Bernie because these PAC funds gotta keep rolling in.”
Buttegieg was one of the first to reply to the results, and apparently didn’t actually look at them, as he immediately declared victory.
“Wow. That is all I can say. I cannot believe our campaign received more votes than any other campaign, and we have won Iowa,” Buttegieg released in a statement. “On to brighter pastures, where we will hopefully gain the support of more people, like the people of New Hampshire, black people, Nevada, black people, South Carolina (Note: Are there white people here who will vote for me?) and black people please god we need more votes from black people.”
Buttegieg appears to be pushing for more votes with African Americans, as he has surprisingly low votes amongst that demographic.
Steyer was also quick to respond, saying “Even if this article were true, the results for me would be the same, and I’d have no delegates. No skin off my nose really.”
Bush had little to say, other than “Hey everyone, I’m Jeb Bush.”
Truly a statement for the ages. We support Jeb!