DOM MAGISTRO
Asst. Scallion Editor
Recent studies show that approximately 42.069 (nice) percent of students at Fredonia have committed some form of parking violation on campus while working on their “four” year degree. This is a 200 percent increase from 1985 when college students did not have to pay to have limited parking on the campus of the school they attend.
These crime sprees across campus have led to an increased presence of University Police, much to the chagrin of general rabble-rousers and parking violators alike.
[RELATED: Police refuse to give us information]
This means that, for the average student at Fredonia, the “real” cost of attendance (that is, the estimation given including dorm necessities, textbooks, parking passes and fines in addition to the school’s quoted cost of attendance) has risen.
In the midst of this “legal debt crisis,” as Maikin Bucks, top economist at The Scallion, has called it, one University Police officer has found a way to help students in need.
Sergeant Stoll N. Valor has been given clearance to deduct portions of the outstanding fines of any student using a meal (or the equivalent thereof in such cases where points are used) to provide a meal to on-duty University Police officers.
According to the official Valor Plan, the amount deducted must be in no way equal to or greater than the points value of the meal purchased.
“I think it’s a great idea,” said Valor, of his own plan. “It helps the kids, it helps our officers. It creates a headache for me, keeping track of all the records, but hey, it’s not about me. It’s about the great idea that I had. No one else thought of this, and you can quote me on that.”
Officer Valor brushed the crumbs of his most recent panini off of his desk to get back to work on balancing the records of all students already taking advantage of the ingenious plan.
“I think it’s a pretty good idea, but I can’t go into Tim Horton’s without a swarm of sophomores begging to buy me a coffee and a dozen donuts anymore,” said Officer Miranda Rights. “I wouldn’t mind so much, but I’m trying to cut caffeine and I don’t really like donuts. The only reason I go to Tim Horton’s is to read what new items I can’t get here on campus.”
[RELATED: Tim Hortons suffers macaroni shortage]
Valor urges The Scallion to remind anyone with outstanding fines that the plan only applies to on-duty officers and only reduces fines owed due to University Police tickets. This program can not be used to decrease tuition, housing fees or meal plan costs.