COREY DALE-MILLER
Guest Scallywag
As I am sure that many of you have heard, there is a major epidemic that has been spreading its filthy agenda around the globe. I am disheartened to report that this disaster of epic proportions has made its way to our quiet and peaceful village of Fredonia. If we look to the streets of downtown Fredonia, we find a saddening sight indeed. The bars are full of people drinking what can only be described as the worst beer to hit the taps since people started pouring out glasses of Bud Light in 1876. Woe is me! I shudder to see the day when this epidemic reaches that level. Corona beer is a blight on our nation, and specifically, our fine Fredonia bars, where many a SUNY Fredonia student frequents each and every weekend.
When asked why he personally wouldn’t be going to the bars this Saturday evening, Fredonia student Ben Sable responded, “I’ve heard that a lot of people have been getting sick. The coronavirus sure is scary. So many people dead. I guess I’m just not ready to die yet. I’m scared that if I go out, I won’t come back.”
You heard it here first! In the face of the coronavirus, young millennial students like Sable have become scared of death for the first time. We here at The Scallion have it on very good authority that all millennials want to do is die, so you can imagine how potent and scary this virus must be that it has created this much of a rift to their central identities.
Sable, who as of the time of editing this piece was not dead yet, had a pale look on his face. It was the face of a man who had seen the ghost of Samuel Adams, the namesake of Samuel Adams Beer. It was a face that understood that good ol’ Sam would be very disappointed indeed with anyone who chose to put aside their own safety to drink Corona.
Be careful out there, folks. For the coronavirus rages on, ravaging the otherwise peaceful bars of this quaint village we all love. If a beer can make even millennials fear death, then it can do anything.
God save us. God save us all. All we can do now is pray.
