JOSEPH MARCINIAK
Bumbling Editor of the Scallion
Hey everyone, I know we’re all panicked about this coronavirus thing, but I could really use some help with my pants situation. I placed them down somewhere and now I can’t find them!
They’re a pair of Levi’s blue jeans, really nice, size 36-32. They’re laying around here somewhere, right? Can’t just disappear!
No, seriously guys — I can’t lose them. If my mom finds out I lost my new pair of jeans, she’ll kill me. Mom, if you’re reading this right now, I swear this article is just a joke. I know exactly where my jeans are.
Last thing I remember, I was watching Space Jam on my VHS player, and I placed the jeans on my bed. I figured I’d put them on after I shower, I think. Well, my shower is done, but where’s the jeans?
Listen, I know you guys are all busy panicking about this pandemic or whatever is happening right now, but I think this is just a tiny bit more important. Just take a two second break from running around screaming to look for my jeans.
In fact, if you find them, please let me know by sending me an email at marc6930@fredonia.edu. Put the subject as “Big Jeans, Big Heart” so I know what you’re emailing me about. Then in the body of the email please include a picture of said jeans so I can know you’re for real, and not just messing with me like that rat Bobby keeps doing.
Bobby, if you’re reading this, shame on you. Stop sending me pictures of jeans off Google images because you think it’s funny to tease me, you asshole. I’ll see you in Hell.