HANNAH BLIDY
Staff Scallywag
Stay calm everyone; everything will be okay. Or at least I hope to God, since we have another viral pandemic on our hands.
Scallion scientists recently discovered a new disease, which they dubbed “bluelightvirus.” Victims of this disease experience symptoms such as low body temperature and sudden bursts of energy. So, basically, the opposite symptoms of the coronavirus. Which is really freakin’ convenient.
Scallion scientists say that the first case of bluelightvirus was in the United States, after a man named [stupid name] ate 97 hot dogs at once. How much more American can this virus get? Jesus!
To top it off, the way that people have been contracting the disease is by staying isolated. Fucking fantastic, just what we needed! Scallion scientists recommend that in order to prevent getting the bluelightvirus, everyone should get as close as possible, ideally in groups of 10 or more, which is also really fucking convenient.
So, to my beautiful readers and not-so-beautiful readers, stay safe out there. Odds are you’ll either get coronavirus or bluelightvirus, so keep those hands clean, peeps, or else you’re really screwed.