[Satire] In these trying times, we need to keep one group especially safe — the billionaires

MATTHEW BAUM

Staff Scallywag

As we all know, this COVID-19 nonsense is taking up everyone’s group consciousness. In an attempt to flatten the curve, a vast majority of Americans are staying within their homes, and this is hardest on one group in particular: the mega-rich. 

Without access to private jet rides to Aruba and 600-person dinner parties, the most elite citizens are suffering through this season of social distancing worse than the rest of us plebes. They are stuck in their 30-room mansions, forced to stay at home and continue to be adored by the masses, cared for by hand and foot. 

They are trapped in their homes on the beautiful coast with their perfect life and everything people could ask for; I feel so sorry for them. 

Who am I, a student with loan debt, to call out Ellen DeGeneres for being sad about having to stay indoors? I can’t possibly imagine the toll it takes on people to have the world at their fingertips, only to have slightly less of the world at their fingertips for a short while. It must be devastating to be in the position Tom Brady’s in right now, with his beautiful family in his $4 million home, where there is no way he could receive a career-ending injury and he has all the time in the world to work on all of his side projects. 

Look, too, at poor Jeff Bezos. Oh no, people are going to be staying home and buying things online that they don’t want to leave their house to get? And he’s the president of one of the most popular, if not the most popular, online sales websites in the world? Whatever is he going to do?

During this global pandemic, be sure to show support for the people held in the highest honor in our society by making them feel special and different in these trying times. As we all know, they’re not used to having normal-people restrictions, like not being allowed to travel the world on a whim or disregard the rules for the sake of their own desires. With our support, they will make it out of this event just as rich and enamoring as they were before disaster struck.