ALEXANDRA WALSH
Professional comedian and frozen pizza cooker
Aquarius:
I love and miss you people.
Pisces:
I bet you’d look beautiful, even with a face mask on.
Aries:
Aries?? More like HAIR-ES. Just because there’s a stay @ home order doesn’t mean we let ourselves go. Shave, please.
Taurus:
Finally, the time has come. It’s Taurus season. Go outside, hit the bars and see your friends! Wait, nvm. You can’t. SUCKS.
Gemini:
During times like this we often reach out to our friends and people we care about … Did anyone reach out to you, Gemini? Wouldn’t be shocked if no one did.
Cancer:
Ugh, it’s you.
Leo:
Stop crying in the corner.
Virgo:
Can’t spell quarantine without U-R-A-QT.
Libra:
I know you miss snacks being at your table, and I ain’t talking about flaming hot cheetos.
Scorpio:
Even during the pandemic, the most contagious thing is still your smile.
Sagittarius:
The writer of the horoscopes is single, hit her up. PLEASE.
Capricorn:
Stay home if you sicc. Come over if you thicc.