JOSEPH MARCINIAK
Editor of The Scallion
Hey bozos, just letting you know now that if you DARE shut down campus before this article is published on the website, I will literally eat my shorts.
I know exactly the pair. My Saturday shorts, which are one of my favorite pairs (they’re very comfy), will be eaten by me. They are purple, stretchy and soft.
How will I prepare them? Well, let me brainstorm for a second.
Probably throw some garlic, oregano and a little bit of salt and pepper in there just to spice it up. Add a few tomatoes, maybe let the shorts soak long enough until it becomes much softer and easier to pull apart.
Gotta make it edible first, which will be the biggest challenge.
Regardless, do not screw this up for me. I really like my Saturday shorts, they’re so comfy and I only wear them on Saturdays.
Eating them would ruin my whole week, likely month! Don’t ruin this for me.
Imagine you had your own pair of Saturday shorts you only got to wear once a week because they’re just that comfy.
Now imagine that you have to eat them because people aren’t wearing their masks properly and are going to parties. Sucks, doesn’t it? Well you’re about to make me do that, and I do NOT want to do that.
What in the hell do I even wear on Saturdays if I eat those ones? Regular pants? I’m not going anywhere, why the hell would I wear regular pants?
In conclusion, please wear your mask. I don’t want to eat my shorts, I want to wear them only.
Please do this for me Fredonia.