THALIA MAGISTRO
Staff Scallywag
Sometimes the desperate need to commit heinous crimes on campus comes to you. I get it. Filthy criminals like you don’t stop, and why should you? That’s why I’ve compiled a list, in no particular order, of the top five ways you can get put in the slammer this semester.
1. Wear your mask like an idiot.
Whether it’s a quick jaunt to the bathroom in your dorm or a walk across campus to get to one of your two in-person classes, masks are required to cover your nose and mouth at all times. Quite simply, the easiest crime to commit on the daily is “forgetting” your mask. It’s so easy, and everyone will look at you like you just kicked a puppy. I promise you, if you don’t feel the rush associated with committing a crime while your mask hangs off of one ear, then you must be a hardened criminal, in which case, consider crime number two.
2. Take two sets of silverware when you go to Cranston.
Look, I know there’s the union worker at the entrance, but they won’t do anything. Even if they notice, you really think they care enough to stop you? Maybe you need a second fork, maybe you need that spoon for your ice cream back in your dorm. Look, it’s a crime, you’re stealing from FSA and it’s totally worth it. Walk away with pride knowing that you’re really sticking it to the same man that charges clubs five dollars for a gallon of lemonade. Speaking of beverages, number three is a limited time offer.
3. Drink the tap water.
Ignore that boil water advisory from the village and you’ll have one hell of a time. It could be brain-eating parasites in the water or whatever else is found in Lake Erie. Either way, if you want U.P. at your door, just take a little sip from the water fountains on campus. I’ll give you a high-five if you manage to fill your entire water bottle before the alarms start blaring.
4. Participate in any physical contact whatsoever.
Since I mentioned high-fiving, I should say that it is a crime in and of itself. Whether it’s a high-five with one of your friends or having intimate relations behind a dumpster near a certain residence hall, physical contact of any kind is illegal this semester. Felons like yourself should already know that and have thought of the best ways to sneak into your friends’ dorms so you can enjoy some physical contact. We’re all touch starved, but it doesn’t even compare to the solitary confinement you’ll be put in if you’re caught by U.P.
5. Criticize Fredonia in a public forum.
Perhaps the most dangerous, heinous and violent crime you can commit this semester is suggesting that perhaps Fredonia should be handling any issues slightly differently. Don’t ever insinuate that FSA shouldn’t ask student workers to come into work despite not feeling well. God help you if you take to Facebook to organize a protest over the way Fredonia handles racism or activism against racism. Perhaps you think you should tweet your opinion about how locking the side doors 24/7 isn’t going to actually stop the spread of COVID-19. I warn you, sir, do not think this will go unnoticed. Of all the crimes I am listing for you, criticizing Fredonia is the one with the least amount of payoff and the greatest amount of danger associated with it. This will not get you in the slammer, this will get you the folding metal chair attached to jumper cables kept on the roof of Maytum. Consider yourself warned.