MATTHEW BAUM
Assistant Scallion Editor
In a bizarre twist of fate, President Donald Trump was attacked by the reanimated corpses of a long-dead group of American Union soldiers from the Civil War.
The corpses in question were members of the 32nd Massachusetts Infantry Unit, who served under the also-dead Colonel John William Carpenter in the Battle of Yellow Tavern, Virginia.
When approached by the press, Colonel Carpenter was more than happy to share his thoughts.
“Y’see, we of the 32nd fought tooth-and-nail to keep our Union strong, and we served our nation proudly. Recently, we heard talk of this newest president that was bad-mouthin’ our service, saying that those who pay the ultimate price on the battlefield are ‘suckers’ and ‘losers,’ and by God, we would not take that lying down.”
The undead colonel went on to explain that he sent out a message to his old troops, telling them to meet in Quincy Market, a bustling center of commerce in Boston, where they would formulate a plan to get even with Trump.
According to Carpenter, it was Private First Class Henry Jebediah Stallsworth that suggested they “f*ck the guy up a little bit,” so that was exactly what they did.
Last Thursday, President Trump was just leaving a press conference when he was bombarded with an array of 150-year-old shoes, hats and one dismembered hand.
His assailants, the 32nd Massachusetts, then engulfed the president, pummeling him with their decomposing arms and legs until they were escorted out of the press room by the Secret Service.
Trump was not fatally injured, but he did instruct his makeup artist to accentuate the bruises he received before he broadcasted live to the American people in a hasty address.
In his address, he wove a tale of misleading shock value, saying that he was mobbed by an unruly crowd of Antifa aggressors, and that he suspected that the “radical leftist thugs” that attacked him were “probably set up by Sleepy Joe, or someone else very high up on his team.”
When asked about any ties he had to the Biden campaign, Carpenter assured that he wanted nothing to do with “the Union’s least-worst option,” and had a surprisingly profound understanding of the current political climate.
“Yeah, I attacked Trump, but that doesn’t mean that I’m all for Joe Biden. For everyone reading this, I implore you to vote for Biden, but once he’s elected, force him to move the country onto a better path. Demand that he only serve one term, and let him pave the way for a more progressive candidate for 2024. It is high time that the United States move on from strong-man politics of the past, and look at the potential of having a president that doesn’t buddy up with authoritarians.”
Well. You heard it from the resurrected Civil War veteran himself. Hop to it, I suppose.