JAY BYRON
Guest Scallywag
With all of the commotion going on with COVID-19, non-potable water and general college anxiety, most students are on their toes already.
Students are sick and tired of hearing or reading the word “unprecedented.”
Shockingly enough, their stress meters have indeed skyrocketed. The reason, of course, is because of none other than the sight of ex-interim president, Dr. Dennis Hefner around campus with a gun.
Students turn their heads to see him with it — a PTRD-41 anti-tank sniper rifle which he carries with his new, big strong arms. He assures us that these arms are “not fake.”
Some students have thought of filing complaints to the administration, but they are afraid of a gun being used against them.
This gathers the question: do current members of administration carry guns around, or is it just the former ones?
This question has been answered by former interim president Hefner himself.
“Y’see, I’m making a statement. Guns are cool, I think, so I’m gonna carry it, dude. I’ve started using the word ‘dude’ more. Does it sound… poggers?”
Hefner also went into detail about his workout routine so he can carry such a large gun.
“I drink my protein. I chug it every morning. I make a steak and then I blend it. I just blend it, dude. Now that’s productivity! Then I go straight to my workout room to do my intense workouts for my arms. Just my arms. I don’t really do legs. I push it to the limit, dude.”
It seems that Hefner has taken a liking to guns ever since he left that position.
He claims that there is no ill intent behind his gun-carrying, though students are still taking precaution by hiding in bushes and behind trees when he walks by. He says it “hurts” but he continues to “keep cool, dudes.”
Administration has not said anything surrounding the situation.
Some professors have seen him walking around. Here’s what they had to say: “I’m not sure why the administration hasn’t done anything about this yet. I mean, not only does he carry that stupid stick, but he says ‘poggers’ sometimes. That… That shocks me the most.”
“I knew deep down that he would carry that someday. I looked in his diary once. He said his dream was to have it after he leaves. I was scared. I couldn’t help thinking, ‘What was he gonna do with it?’ Then, it said that it was just to show off his arms… his totally real and not fake arms. Am I supposed to be scared or impressed?”
It seems that Dr. Hefner won’t hurt anyone. He reassures everyone that it is just to show off his arms.
He also loves to see his students wandering around campus and feels cooler with a gun. Say “hello” sometime.