HANNAH BLIDY
Staff Scallywag
aries: ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! – you, this week.
taurus: ok so are you going to send aquarius the homework for math 115 or what…
gemini: wow, you’ve got a lot of people in your tinder dm’s for someone who’s supposed to be quarantining.
cancer: i’m sensing some chaotic energy for you this week, cancer. did you finish your discussion posts for the week? or did you just completely ignore them like the rest of your class work in favor of doing questionable things down at the creek?
leo: you should try skinny pop. it’s my favorite snack and i think you’d enjoy it. though i would probably recommend getting the pack with a bunch of small bags because it’s so good that you’ll eat the entire thing in one sitting, like how i did while writing these horoscopes.
virgo: you should probably check up on aries. they’re gonna have a rough week, and since you’re not doing much besides watching tiktoks, i think you’ll have some time to calm them down.
libra: get the bag! the bag!!! the one that has the bread in it!!! wait is that a baguette??? oh cool can i have some?
scorpio: only 32 more days until scorpio season. i know we still have to get through libra season but since you love attention i figured i would let you know.
sagittarius: i was trying to think of something to write for you, sagittarius, but the only thing that came to my mind was the black eyed peas song “boom boom pow” and now it’s stuck in my head. now it’s gonna be stuck in your head too, so ha.
capricorn: cap, if i were you, i’d be a little more cautious about what you’re putting on your snapchat story. i know that you’re not drinking kool-aid out of that red solo cup.
aquarius: i know you’re struggling with your gen ed’s kid. don’t worry, taurus has your back.
pisces: take a breather, dude. i know you have like 97 tests and 63 quizzes this week, but take some time to do something you really enjoy; you know, like taking a walk, doing yoga, or maybe even responding to those 6 texts you’ve been too anxious to answer.