MATTHEW BAUM
Assistant Scallion Editor
On Sept. 15, Apple unveiled the new generation of iPad, the newly-upgraded iPad Air.
Tech nerds and Steve Jobs fanboys around the world were blown away by the initial announcement, but they failed to hear the more life-changing announcement that immediately followed it. It had been revealed that other Apple licenses were also hitting shelves in the coming weeks.
It seems as though the devices under the names iPhone Water, iPod Earth and MacBook Fire will be in some way connected to the iPad Air, but it is not incredibly clear how.
The elemental themes that are present with these new products are reminiscent of the Avatar: The Last Airbender series, which has recently experienced a return to the public eye.
It is not yet known how the Apple devices are tied to the Nickelodeon franchise, but given the corporation’s ability to seemingly do anything, there must be some sort of connection behind the scenes.
This will have been the first time since March of last year that Apple has shown any plans for revamping iPods, but in the trailer it appears that the iPod Earth will have the ability to survive in two meters of molten lava, as well as boasting an impressive 23-hour battery life and an astonishing 1.25 terabytes of internal storage.
The iPhone Water has attributes that will make it the perfect device for the family on the go.
With a total of five breathtaking UltraHD cameras, both front-facing and back-facing, this will be the go-to choice for the perfect posts.
The phone also has a non-Newtonian fluid SynthMetal screen, a first look at the future of tactile technology.
When utilizing the SynthMetal settings, users will get the chance to get a sense of what the objects they see on-screen would feel like in the flesh.
Another benefit of the newly-discovered tech property is its optional self-defense precautions.
By downloading the iPrepare app onto an Apple Watch, users can control the SynthMetal that forms their screens outside of the bounds of the exterior shell, using the material to ward off unwelcome advances with a series of water-bending-style moves, ensuring maximum safety in dire situations.
The Macbook Fire has a flamethrower feature. That’s it.
You can open an app that says “Flamethrower Feature” and the Macbook turns into a flamethrower.
I couldn’t tell you why the Apple executives thought this was a good idea, given that people don’t carry these devices around, but that’s the reality of the situation. It is what it is.
These new additions to the iFamily are sure to be a smash-hit for any devoted Apple customer, but they won’t come cheap.
In order to be approved for an advance release, interested parties must defeat Tim Cook in an Agni Kai, a duel between two people that primarily involves hand-to-hand combat and a series of devastating firebending blows.
As we all know, Cook is in fantastic shape, and it has been rumored that he can even redirect electrical currents, so it will be a challenge to claim your pre-released iGear.
For those looking to have premium tech on their hands, or people who just want to beat up Tim Cook, this is your time to shine.
Best of luck, warm regards and be sure to keep up to date on the highly anticipated Samsung Universe, slated to be released by November.