JOSEPH MARCINIAK
Scallion Editor
A local English student, Paul Crendal, has begun to wonder when his “good writing skills” will kick in, latest reports say.
According to eyewitness reports, Crendal struggled to come up with even one solid opening sentence for his creative writing class while working in the library.
“I’ll be honest, I thought it would just kick in,” Crendal said in an interview, “I joined this major and my thought was ‘Ok, so over time I’ll just be really good at writing, right?’ Apparently, I was wrong.”
At this point in the interview, Crendal began crying.
This has proven to be more than just an isolated case, reports say.
According to the Scallion Science Association (SSA), more than three students have expressed this concern, with one student even saying that they thought reading books would be easier as an English major.
“I figured that being an English major would make reading books easier, ya know? But it still feels as much of a chore as it did in high school. I mean, I’m six semesters in, I can’t just drop English, can I?” said Mikaila Durman, an English major with no minor, in an interview.
According to the SSA, the greatest enemy of these students is Ruth Terriman, the English major who does every single reading assignment given.
“Man, screw Ruth. I’ve been faking my way through this major and she actually DOES the readings? F*ck that,” Durman responded when asked about Terriman.