MATTHEW BAUM
Assistant Scallion Editor
It’s no secret to the students here at SUNY Fredonia that our school’s first priority is the wellbeing of us as residents. We are provided expert medical care, our words have an impact on the culture at school and they have the decency to prepare us for in-hall fires at any time of day — sometimes going the extra mile and waiting until 11 at night to set off the lovely fire alarms.
All of this, however, is in the past, as it has been leaked that there are some truly heartwarming events going on behind the scenes at Cranston Marche.
Last week, I was informed by an inside source that free penicillin has been slipped into some of the food options, for the purpose of increasing our daily intake of vegetation.
The penicillin is reportedly sourced responsibly, growing free-range right by the food it will be integrated into.
This is wonderful news, as it slips right into the flavor of the food we’re already eating!
It is so nice of the staff here to go out of their way to care about healthy eating habits.
Along with counting as one of the five-a-day recommended vegetable servings, penicillin can also fight off diseases such as throat infections, pneumonia and scarlet fever, and can blend in easily into all of our favorite foods.
It is fair to note that, since I have been on campus, I have not been at all sick and I would like to believe that this is because of Fredonia’s attention to detail and quiet dedication to the greater good.
This addition to our diet options on campus is just one of several new steps taken by the administration to improve the conditions of life here for students.
Starting next semester, all of the sidewalks will feature booby traps and fun obstacle courses to ensure fulfillment and exercise to everyone on their way to and from classes.
The traps we have gotten a sneak-peak at so far include trip wires, poison ivy and a snake pit outside of Thompson Hall, which will provide students who fall in an opportunity to learn about our slithery reptilian friends up close.
Another change that is being implemented will be the addition of an early-morning alarm, set to go off from all of the broadcast speakers at 5:15 each morning.
This will be the wake-up call for the students living on campus each morning, and it will be followed by a refreshing workout routine we can all participate in from our dorm rooms.
You can say what you will about SUNY Fredonia, but you can’t say that they aren’t making their students stronger citizens.