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Trump is now officially the healthiest man on Earth according to scientists, according to Trump

JOSEPH MARCINIAK

Scallion Editor

Graphic by Sarah Hughston

Well, resistance comrades, pack it up. We’re done.

No celebrating Trump being dead anymore, because today on a Fox News interview, Trump announced that scientists are saying he’s the healthiest man on Earth.  

That’s a big blow to me and my fellow resistors. 

The interview, conducted by Tucker Carlson, was clear and concise, and the president did NOT beat around the bush. 

“Scientists — they say — they say it’s a miracle. How can this be, they say. They say I’m the healthiest, I’m so healthy you wouldn’t believe. The scientists, they say I’m the healthiest man on Earth. It’s incredible,” the president said.

Tucker Carlson really put it best when he said, “The left is gonna be so disappointed to find out that this virus really isn’t that bad. Just suck it up, snowflakes!”

Ow, right where it hurts. Pack it up, comrades, let’s just go home and get out of here. 

We all know it was Trump’s muscular and heroic body that saved him from the virus, not the fact that he got the best medical care in the country while still downplaying the fact that thousands are dying from the virus. 

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