JAY BYRON
Guest Scallywag
What a wild upcoming Halloween! With political conflicts on the rise and COVID-19 clearing social events off the calendar, Halloween will be a lot more indoorsy than it has ever been. There is no better timing for people to do the bare minimum.
Fear not, for “this guy named Richard” is going as the trusty three hole punch Jim… for the third year in a row!
If that isn’t absolutely crazy and ridonkulous to you, then I simply don’t know what else could be.
“This guy named Richard,” as he wants us to call him for some reason, has been going as three hole punch Jim for a while now.
“Ever since last Halloween, I knew something was going to go wrong with the world,” he told us. “I decided that I’m keeping the costume on my body. Forever.”
We asked him what we meant. He did not elaborate further. He repeated the same statement over and over. We are a bit afraid.
So, we resorted to his friends and colleagues to provide more insight on the situation.
“That guy named Richard? Oh my God. No, seriously, guys, he hasn’t taken off that costume since Halloween of 2019. He saved it for only one day out of the year most of the time, but I think he got too in character,” a friend supplied. “Not gonna lie, I’m worried.”
“Why are you worried?” you may be asking. “It’s just a costume. Surely, he has more than one, right?’
That’s a good question. However, he only has one three hole punch Jim costume. He burned all of his civilian clothes on March 11, 2020. All that was left of the man was three hole punch Jim.
Now you may be wondering, “Why did he do this?”
“Well, for starters, he’s cool. I like Jim. I am Jim. Three hole punch Jim,” he answered. “Look at me.”
Indeed, he was three hole punch Jim. He wore a white work shirt, a black tie, and three black felt circles taped onto the side of his shirt. Nothing short of amazing and extraordinary and bonkers.
“This is wild. I’m wild.”
Friends speculate that he does this because he’s a psychic. He knew COVID-19 was going to happen, so he simply gave up in life.
“Yeah, like, he has powers. Seriously. One time I saw him predict Hurricane Katrina (haha more like Hurricane Tortilla). Yes, in 2005. Yes, he was thinking of three hole punch Jim. Yes, he also predicted 2005 three hole punch Jim.”
Perhaps “that guy named Richard” has decided to become three hole punch Jim because he feels a special connection to the character, as it was a prediction of his. However, this could also just be a coincidence. What does “that guy named Richard” think?
“You will never know,” he said to us quietly, ominously.
Back to research. We searched far and wide for more information on the man and three hole punch Jim, but almost to no avail. That is, until we found a gathering of people with a picture of “that guy named Richard” in his costume. We interviewed the guy in the middle, wearing a completely red outfit.
“We want to annihilate ‘that guy named Richard,’” the man said. “Three hole punch Jim is the antichrist. We are currently performing a sort of, well, ritual to expel him from our thoughts and to be forgiven of our sins. Care to join?”
So, we joined. Who are we to say “no?”
After the fun meeting, we asked if there were any other people who knew anything about “that guy named Richard.” They told us that there was an opposing group of people doing fun meetings as well, but for different reasons. We found them and asked some questions.
“Annihilate ‘that guy named Richard?’ We wouldn’t dare think of it,” a person in all black and white told us, flabbergasted. “Three hole punch Jim is the second coming of Christ.”
We joined their fun and normal activity, since we are very accepting and inclusive.
Even after all the fun times with different people, there was still no way to draw one conclusion for “that guy named Richard.” He will always be an enigma. He can never even tell us himself what he is or where he comes from. Or perhaps, why he can predict major events, like the three hole punch Jim Halloween episode.
What do you think three hole punch Jim is? Is he the antichrist, or is he the second coming of Christ? Do you believe he can really predict the future?
Or, perhaps, do you think he is a regular man?
Whatever the case, they are all normal and completely valid explanations.
