JOSEPH MARCINIAK
Editor of the Scallion
This election has been everything BUT calm. We have seen candidates tear each other apart, both literally and figuratively. We still cannot find all the pieces of Steve Bullock, because of the BRUTAL takedown by Amy Klobuchar.
To say that this election has been confusing would be an understatement, so today, the Scallion will give you a full recap of the top most important moments in the long cage match supreme battle for the White House. Then, we will give you our top prediction for who will win this coming election.
The race kicked off at the announcement for the candidacy of God, the King of kings, in 2018 running against Donald Trump. The magnificent one was quickly down in the polls, however, when a United States Senator from Colorado, Michael Bennet, announced his candidacy. Quickly, the Ruler of all fell into obscurity.
Not long after, more candidates began announcing. Cory Booker, Andrew Yang, Pete Buttegieg and more.
Finally, after every progressive Democrat everywhere held their breath, former Vice President Joe Biden announced his candidacy. We’re good now guys, he’s in this.
The first debate was a thrill ride. Kristen Gillibrand karate chopped Beto O’Rourke right in the back of the head. It rendered his Spanish speaking skills utterly useless, as he was no longer able to form coherent sentences. This was the losing moment for O’Rourke, and would prove to be his downfall.
United States Senator from Colorado, Michael Bennett, was on the attack. He quickly dismantled Jay Inslee’s entire campaign. To this day, no one knows anything about Inslee except that he ran for president once.
Bernie Sanders arrived with a gun. We don’t know where he got it, but it was against the rules. The guards attempted to escort him out but were unable to, until Elizabeth Warren quickly put Sanders to sleep using a beautiful lullaby never heard before.
Anyways, that was just the first debate! There were like three more or something, and they were all just as intense.
Finally, about four months later, the field had been shortened down to a few top candidates.
Please read this next part in a wrestling announcers voice.
Making his way to the ring, we’ve got the top dog. He’s well known for his phenomenal storytelling abilities, like when he told the inspirational story of how he bested the fiend Cornpop. It’s JOEEEEEEE BIDEEEEEEN!
Walking in on the other side we’ve got the king of socialism. You know him for his impeccable hairstyle and his overwhelming hatred for the rich, its BERNARRRRRRD SANDEEEERS!
Coming in on another one of the sides, it’s the queen of wishing she was Bernie. She may have been a Republican once, but you bet your bottom dollar she had a complete 180. It’s the one, the only, ELIZABEEEEETH WARREEEEN!
Dashing into the ring from the fourth side, we’ve got the rat man. The one known for being gay, which is cool, don’t get me wrong, but we don’t really know much else besides that. Anyways it’s PETEYYYYY BUTTEGIEGGGGG!
Crawling her way into the ring, she’s known for her #epicclapbacks and her feistiness. She’s got mom-power like no other candidate, it’s AMYYYYY KLOBUCHARRRRRR!
Rolling on his side, it’s a candidate none of us expected to get this far. He’s got only one key thing that appeals to people and everything else he says is kinda not very smart, it’s ANDREWWWWWW YAAAAAANG!
Finally, to finish off this epic rumble of the century, we’ve got the man who made it all happen. Even God fears this motherfucker. Known as the man behind the strings, he controls all Democrats, it’s UNITED STATES SENATOR FROM COLORADO, MICHAAAEEEELLLL BENNETTT!
Also, we are legally obligated to state that Mike Bloomberg is here, but he was knocked out just at the sight of other people, so he’s already out.*
This rumble was INTENSE. Biden jabs Klobuchar with a right hook, knocking Klobuchar clean out of the ring. DING DING DING, she’s out!
Warren grabs the rat tail of Buttegieg, swinging him above her head like he’s nothing, then tossed him in the direction of Sanders, but Sanders just manages to dodge. Buttegieg is OUT!
Sanders, in anger, does a bicycle kick, kicking Warren clean into the audience. She is OUT!
United States Senator from Colorado Michael Bennett takes a look at Yang, which turns him instantly on fire. Yang is OUT!
Sanders and Biden circle each other, fists raised. Sanders looks ready to eat his flesh, while Biden appears to be tiring. Suddenly, United States Senator from Colorado Michael Bennett began to glow, shining like the sun. He announced in a very loud voice, “I have chosen one candidate. It is not you.” He pointed at Sanders, lifting him into the sky, and threw him across the stage. Sanders is OUT!
After an intense battle, United States Senator from Colorado Michael Bennett chose former Vice President Joe Biden as the candidate.
In the past month, we have seen Biden’s power harnessed from United States Senator from Colorado Michael Bennett. In the two debates, Biden has knocked Trump out cold every time. Trump needs to find a backup plan.
So, with that out of the way, who do we think will win? It’s complicated, but hear us out.
The winner of the 2020 election will be — ah! I’ve been shot! I cannot tell you who will win now because I am in immense PAIN! OW! DANG IT! I KNOW WHO WILL WIN IT’S — OOF I’VE BEEN SHOT AGAIN! DAMN YOU SNIPERS!
*The writer also chose to leave out Tom Steyer. Not really for any particular reason, but he just kinda forgot about him.