MATTHEW BAUM
Assistant Scallion Editor
As shocking as it is, one of Donald Trump’s conspiracy theories has been proven true.
Democratic candidate Joe Biden is not a man, but instead a hard-working group of ferrets imitating the former vice president.
This has come as a shock to the international community, especially the millions of Americans who have already voted by way of mail-in ballots.
The world first learned the truth about the Biden Ferrets when they came clean on the Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon.
Fallon asked the “man” he had assumed was Joe Biden about the conspiracy theory Trump had recently been touting at his rallies, and much to the surprise of the audience, Biden’s face seemed to split in two as the ferrets unzipped the impeccable bodysuit that they had constructed.
There are a total of 19 ferrets that control the inner workings of the Biden suit, and they are all siblings from Hiccupscupa, South Dakota.
Lou-Ann, the mastermind behind the project, said that the family gathered for a meeting in early July of last year. They came to the conclusion that the best shot they had at removing the president from office was to run as a familiar and mostly inoffensive political figure.
They settled on impersonating Biden, not because they were especially fans of the former vice president, but because “he’s a household name that nobody really knows much about.”
The TikTok creator-turned-celebrity, who uses the account name @Ferret_Truther, was unable to share their thoughts on the matter, due to the fact that they are now constantly followed by paparazzi.
They were not accurate in every aspect of their theory, and as far as our sources have checked, the other celebrities accused of being ferrets: the Olsen twins, Idris Elba and P!nk — have all denied their ferret-ness.
The team of ferrets that stood in for Biden say that they are still running for president, on the same platform that they proposed throughout the entire process.
They assured the American people on the Tonight Show broadcast that their running mate, Kamala Harris, is a human person, and not a team of highly intelligent rodents.
For those who were concerned about the true Joe Biden, he is fully aware of this plan by the ferrets, and actually signed off on allowing the ferret team to assume his likeness.
For the last year or so, he’s been vacationing in Cancun, where he and his wife, Jill, have a summer home.