BRIAN CECALA
Guest Scallywag
The Laptop that’s been the center of controversy for one week, which at the current pace of politics today is long gone dead news, has been brought to Fredonia where the world’s leading intellectuals could examine it’s contents. Conservatives talking heads have warned their viewers of its contents for good reason.
Today I speak with the head investigator of just what is on the laptop. We at The Scallion warn our readers that we uncovered some very unsettling and disturbing things in this investigation and we caution you to read at your own risk.
Here is the transcript of my conversation with Daniel Hensbrook — whose name we’ve censored as Haniel Densbrook in case the Biden family comes looking for him.
Me: So what kind of laptop are we looking at here, Haniel?
Haniel: It’s interesting, it is an Alienware M17 laptop. This is a pretty intense gaming laptop.
Me: And this is the damning Hunter Biden laptop that everyone’s been talking about.
Haniel: Yes! But what’s even more interesting is that there are two profiles on the account. One for Hunter and one for Joe whom we assume to be the presidential candidate.
Me: Interesting, and what kind of things did you find on the hardware?
Haniel: Well, we routinely searched his Google history where we found on Jan. 16, 2019 he Googled “how to do a good Joker impersonation”
Me: Oh no…
Haniel: Later that day he would buy face makeup and a Joker costume from Amazon.
Me: Why do you think he would do that?
Haniel: Frankly, we have reason to believe this is prime evidence that the Joker is real and it is Hunter Biden.
Me: Oh my…
Haniel: We’ve passed this information on to the FBI in hopes it serves as vital information for finally taking down the Joker.
Me: Now you said Joe had a profile too, what did you find?
Haniel: We found something terribly shocking and that is that Joe Biden is very much a gamer. He has hundreds of games on his steam account where he goes by the alias “Leeroy the Jenkins Guy.” The most concerning thing we found was a file named “Hell.exe.” When we ran it, it loaded a Minecraft server that had an active player count of a couple thousand people. It appeared the players of the server were worshiping Satan. The players have no IP address to track which leads us to believe that the users are in fact ghosts.
Me: Can you communicate to these players?
Haniel: They speak in some dark and ancient ghostly language that none of the researchers understand. Currently we believe it might be French but some on the team say it is Italian.
Me: Do you think uncovering these secrets will hurt Joe’s chances at election?
Haniel: There is speculation as to whether or not this is a plant in order to win favor with the Satanist and gamer voter demographic however we think Joe Biden is attempting to use Minecraft in order to bring about the dark times.
Me: I see… Thank you so much for talking with me Haniel.
It’s important to note the investigation is still ongoing. Currently the investigators are bringing in priests to examine whether or not the device is haunted or in need of an exorcism. In the meantime, we caution concerned readers to be on the lookout for Joker sightings around Fredonia campus as we may be targeted for harboring the laptop. Be safe out there.