JAY BYRON
Guest Scallywag
Uh oh! Fashion police!
You read the title. Buckle up, fashionistas. We are going hard today on these current Supreme Court members to do the judging they need done for them.
For the purposes of this article, I will pretend not to really know them well. Everyone’s talking about fascism but I wanna talk about… fashism! (No? Okay, sorry, let’s start again). Let’s set aside politics and focus on what really matters: the looks being served and the crimes being committed!
John G. Roberts Jr., Chief Justice of the United States.
This man is usually seen wearing a white dress shirt and red tie under his robe (which, by the way, he doesn’t look good in). What is happening here??? I mean, it looks like he doesn’t even try — and not in the good way! He sits there in his silly little outfit. I have no clue what’s happening under the robe besides that tie, but all I know is it simply cannot be good. Isn’t he the big one? In that case, maybe he can spice it up with a leopard print…? Be a little spontaneous, the United States obviously needs it right now! Show off your wild side, Sir Roberts!
Clarence Thomas, Associate Justice.
Now, this man knows how to spice it up. His usual tie is red and patterned with little gold circles. That adds a bit more interest, thank God. We all needed it! The robe also looks good on him. He just wears it differently than everyone else somehow! Good for him! Though, the white dress shirt is a little boring. Also I can’t tell if he always wears those glasses… Maybe he shouldn’t? Yeah, I’m not sure.
Stephen G. Breyer, Associate Justice.
This man knows how to throw in some curveballs and he does it WELL! Not only does he have a non-white dress shirt, but his tie is also patterned with something and that’s enough for me. He usually wears a blue dress shirt. How splendid and original. He looks fancy with and without glasses. I’d say he’s one of my new fashion icons, in fact. I may start wearing a robe myself because of him.
Samuel A. Alito Jr., Associate Justice.
What IS that??? Can someone please tell me? I can’t. I can’t do this anymore. What the??? Pardon my French, what the heck?! The first and only picture I saw of him, he’s wearing this stupid dumb textured red tie. Or something. I literally cannot tell because most of it is covered in that silly robe. I mean, he can’t even adjust it a little just to show off the interest in his outfit? No. He’s bland. The worst part is, I can tell he really tried with that tie, but the tie does absolutely nothing for him. He’s a big try-hard with no fashion sense. Also, that dress shirt is stark white and it makes his teeth look yellow. Does he know nothing?! I’m livid. Some of these Supreme Court justices know absolutely nothing about fashion and let me tell you, it is infuriating. How are we supposed to be proud of our country’s Supreme Court with these choices?
Sonia Sotomayor, Associate Justice.
Now, all I can say is I’m quite disappointed. In most pictures of her, I can’t really tell what she’s wearing underneath the robe. That really is just so sad. How am I supposed to understand these people to a deeper degree without seeing what’s there? So, I will base my judgement off of the singular article of clothing I see in the picture. That’s right, the robe. It’s very dark — I really enjoy that most of the time — however, the dark hair kind of blends a little too much with it. Also, the folds are just kind of weird. However, the sleeves are super cool and remind me of bats. I wonder what kind of bat each member would be. I’m going to include that in the ranking, by the way. Do the members of the Supreme Court ever just run around and pretend to be bats? I would. Good for them.
Elena Kagan, Associate Justice.
SHE KNOWS WHAT SHE’S DOING!!! Everyone needs to look to her as a true fashion icon, perhaps even an omnipotent God of Fashion. Under the robe, she has a shirt with a collar that frames the robe perfectly around her neck. She knows exactly what to do. Also the earrings are absolutely decadent, darling. She is a legend. How does she do it? I’m jealous. I’m… seething with jealousy. Elena. I’m pissed. No one knows how to do it like her. However, one day, I will take her spot in the fashion ranking and everyone will look at me like people look at her. It will feel so good.
Neil M. Gorsuch, Associate Justice.
Oh honey, what is going on? He scares me. I’m literally shaking. The first picture I saw is him wearing a plaid tie. It’s too much. Far too much. I wish there was more robe. I hate looking at it. It almost feels like there’s too much there, even though I know there isn’t much happening. I’m overwhelmed and angry. Simply mad. Also, the way he’s staring into the camera doesn’t help because his eyes match too much with the tie, so it’s incredibly off-putting. Ew? Absolutely not.
Brett M. Kavanaugh, Associate Justice.
I’m not ranking him. Honestly, he just isn’t ranking material. Insert sarcastic heart emoji here.
Amy Coney Barrett, Associate Justice.
I haven’t seen her in the robe and honestly I hope I never have to because not only do the robes suck, but so does that fashion sense, honey! How is she going to work out being trash at fashion with a robe on top of it? I know she can’t do as well as Queen Kagan did.
Now onto the actual ranking!
9. Kavanaugh. He doesn’t get a bat ranking because he simply doesn’t deserve it.
8. Gorsuch. Ugh, I also don’t want to give him a bat because I don’t think he deserves it, but… hoary bat.
7. Alito. Little brown bat.
6. Barrett. Eastern red bat, because she’s basically a ginger…? Whatever.
5. Roberts. Cave bat.
4. Sotomayor. Indiana bat.
3. Thomas. Eastern small-footed bat.
2. Breyer. Silver-haired bat.
1. Kagan. Big brown bat.