JAY BYRON
Staff Scallywag
Over the winter break, I’ve had time to think about my friends — who is a real friend, who wants to be my friend and who needs a friend.
The more I think about it, the more I realize some people are very lonely and that hurts me deeply in the pits of my soul. I would hate to be lonely, especially now with only my roommate and my frog Beanie Baby to comfort me in times of need.
The only person to play Just Dance with me is my roommate, and they just watch me the whole time completely unamused.
I’ve had enough of it, so I’m going to make friends with someone who really needs it: the COVID-19 virus itself.
Now, I know what you’re thinking: “Does the COVID-19 virus go by it/its/itself?” Well, in fact, it does. I asked it as soon as I started becoming friends with the COVID-19 virus, and that is one of the first steps to actually becoming its friend. Let’s talk about it through an intensive step-by-step process that I have formulated over the course of this year.
1. Stop being scared
Alright, I understand this is the rhetoric COVID deniers use, but it’s actually really useful for friendship reasons and people need to start doing it. Imagine if you said, “Wow you’re really scary,” to one of your friends right now (if you even have any). That would be really mean and your (hypothetical) friend would be very upset, and perhaps even yell at you. You would cry. Don’t let yourself cry. Stop being scared!
2. Sweet-talk it
Yes, COVID may have the power to make you cough and stuff or whatever, but remember that it has a soul. Wouldn’t you like to be sweet-talked? Because I understand many people may not actually know the ins and outs of sweet-talking like I do, I’ve made a list of some cool lines to use.
“You’ve got some nice viral surface proteins, can I borrow some?”
“You must have some real good cute RNA!” Note: Use the word “cute” if you’re feelin’ it, and ONLY if you’re feelin’ it.
“Infectious? More like cardiac plexus” (??? I don’t know what that means but it worked I think)???
3. Ask for its pronouns
I’ve already told you its pronouns through this article, but it can never hurt to ask. You should just be doing this with everyone anyway for common courtesy’s sake, and it shouldn’t take a Scallion article to tell you to do so, but I’m here to give you some good advice so here it is.
4. TELL IT THAT YOU HAVE ASTHMA
I do not have asthma. However, this is absolutely crucial. It does not want to be your friend if you do not have asthma. I think it will also like you if you have anything wrong with your lungs, so if you smoke/vape/whatever you wanna do, you may be off the hook. Asthma, though, is just the perfect lie if you don’t do those things on the reg. P.S. If you don’t have asthma and you don’t want to lie it will still tolerate you, but it won’t be friends with you like you’d want it to be.
5. Don’t let your friends know that you have befriended it
Last time I told one of my friends that I became friends with COVID-19, they got really upset at me and I couldn’t figure out why. Yes, COVID and I had been hanging out a lot, but we are buds, so that’s what buds do. I think that they were just jealous, so don’t let your friends know if you don’t want them to get jealous. COVID right now is really popular, so it definitely takes a toll on you to have to be friends with someone so cool and famous. I think that’s the main reason why they were so jealous!
Okay, so I just gave you five easy steps to befriend the coronavirus.
This works very well, as I have tried it myself and me and COVID are now besties. I must warn you of the downsides, though.
My roommate won’t go near me for some reason. Also, my friends will only text me and when I ask to hang out they say no. It gets lonely being the cool kid.
I hope this list helps you. Please get back to me when you’ve befriended the coronavirus so we can all hang out together.
EDIT: So it turns out that I actually have CAUGHT the coronavirus and I am now sick. I literally am hacking up a lung. This is no longer fun. Too bad I already wrote this article and now I need to post it. DON’T DO THESE THINGS IT TURNS ON YOU!!!! I am in PAIN!!!!!!!!!! Was it worth it? NO please do NOT befriend the coronavirus, it backstabs you and THAT IS WHY IT HAS NO FRIENDS. (Do NOT BACKSTAB your FRIENDS). The coronavirus is basically that girl in high school who became a nursing major and said “I hope you trip on a rock” while playing soccer in second grade (and then you do and you cry because no one is your friend).
Don’t let this be you!!!!!! LEARN FROM MY MISTAKES!