JOSEPH MARCINIAK
Scallion Editor
At a press conference on Sunday, press secretary Jen Psaki was talking about nuclear weapon deals or something when the president made a surprise appearance.
Reporters in the room say that he had a confused, jumbled look, and had some sort of white powder beneath his nose.
After a brief moment of silence and unassurance, the president finally grabbed the microphone and said loudly, “Here’s the deal: My whole life, my dad said that-that drugs were no good. He said, ‘Drugs are bad, Joe.’ And I believed him! But here’s the deal, I just met this guy, his name is Smithers, and he taught me all about the stuff. And folks, look, drugs are great. You can do drugs now, Uncle Joey won’t arrest ya!”
Again, there was a stunned silence in the room as the president stumbled back into the door from which he came.
Immediately, an executive order was signed declaring all drugs legal.
When approached for more questioning, the president seemed hostile, biting at anyone who came close.
“That was the most energy he’s ever had. I went in with my microphone and he quite literally bit the end off. He’s like a rabid dog,” a reporter for CNN said.
We went to a local park to ask questions to some teenagers doing drugs.
“What? I don’t know man.” one teenager said. “Why are you asking me questions?”
“Yeah, I’d smoke a bowl with Joe Biden,” another teenager said, which prompted the other teenagers to shout “EWW!” and throw rocks at him.