JAY BYRON
Staff Scallywag
As I was thinking about what to do for this article, I realized that I talk big game about hand holding.
It’s a fun activity that anyone can participate in. I figured it appeals to the mass audience.
However, I realize there are some people out there who are mean, so maybe they don’t like hand holding.
Now, I find this compelling. Every human likes hand holding. Let’s figure out what’s happening in the mean peoples’ brains.
Around campus, I asked many people if they were mean. If they responded that they are, in fact, mean, I sent them a link to a Google form asking various questions about hand holding.
A total of two out of the three people who were self-proclaimed “mean” filled them out.
It looks like you can be mean and hold a hand.
However, they will notably point out exactly what the problem is.
For example, this person has held a hand and the other was sweaty (‘clammy,’ as they say, which is disgusting) so they did not find it very enjoyable. This is so sad!
After those very obvious questions about hand holding, I wanted to throw the participants off a little. Everyone was expecting hand holding questions, but I wanted to see how these mean people would respond to conversational pieces.
It may look like a mistake, but the last question was kept empty on purpose and totally not because I sent the form too early and forgot to delete it. However, I think it allowed for some interesting stats on the mean people we have caught.
Not only does the mean person not like me, they notably do not accept being loved.
It may look like they do, but they put a total of 11 whole question marks.
Clearly, they do not get the concept of love.
The last question that they asked in response to the nothing question is VERY interesting. They are getting philosophical in their reasoning behind love.
Obviously, one question must be required when asking anything. Even though all the other questions were actually not required, they decided to respond to all of them. That is breathtaking.
We had one more who answered questions, and I think I’ve hit the nail on who this person might be.
Firstly, they have not held a hand. That was the answer to the first two questions. Then, they said this.
I am astounded at the results I have gathered. I have concluded that this person is not just any mean person, oh no. This person isn’t even a person. This individual is, in fact, an alien.
I know what you’re thinking: “I’ve only seen aliens inside of Rockefeller Arts Center.” I know, me too. I think this one was on the loose. I can confirm this with the last response:
Only an alien could say something like this.
We can’t even smell right now because of our masks, so no human person is even thinking about the dog food air.
Only an alien with super-human smelling could smell such a smell. Sniff such a whiff! It’s all in the subtext.
They haven’t held a hand, they know the FitnessGram™ Pacer Test text by heart (because obviously copy-pasting is cheating and I don’t think a mean person is mean enough to do that) and they remember the dog food air.
After all of this, I must finish the analysis. I tell you, the results I yielded were completely unexpected.
At first, I hypothesized that mean people just couldn’t hold a hand because that’s a nice activity and mean people want to keep the mean vibe. However, I realize one thing.
Mean people were never mean people. They were always aliens from Rockefeller Arts Center, born and raised.
Email me if you have any questions, Fredonia, since I have all the answers.