JOSEPH MARCINIAK
Retired Editor of The Scallion
Well folks, this is it: my last article as editor.
After much thought, I have decided to take my extended legs and take them home, since I am retiring. I have claimed my pension, and all my benefits.
I, Joseph Marciniak, humble servant of the Scallion, have been a contributing member of The Scallion for almost three years now, and editor for almost two years.
In that time I became very buff, building my muscles to be huge.
Not one week later, I lost the muscles.
About a month ago, I gained very long stretchy legs.
I’ve grown so much taller.
If there’s anything I take away from my time at the Scallion, do NOT f*ck with Elmer Ploetz. He’s got eyes on every corner in Fredonia, and I respect that.
You better respect that too, lest you’ll end up like ol’ Jimmy who sleeps with the fishes now.
Anyways, away from all the wishy washy goodbye BS, I wanted to talk about my legs. They are very long now, as you can likely see from the beautiful illustration. I use them to walk around campus. Students point and shout, “Wow, he’s got long legs!” and I respond, “Yes, I have long legs! Well done!”
My legs can be utilized for many different purposes. Let’s focus on the most important one.
My legs can save humanity from the evils of capitalism. Believe it or not, my extended legs are extremely proficient in the critique of capitalism. It screams under my jeans about democratizing the workplace and stuff like that.
On that note, I think I’ll end this article here.
Thank you readers, for your continued reading of my weird-ass articles.
I couldn’t be more thankful for this job I’ve had for a few years, and every time I heard someone laugh at one of my articles it would always brighten my day.
