JAY BYRON
Staff Scallywag
When I got back to Fredonia, I knew the first thing I wanted to do was order some everything bagel bites from Starbucks because they absolutely slap. I think we can all agree on at least that much, unless you’re gluten intolerant or something. Sorry.
However, when I attempted to order the best thing from the menu, the poor cashier said, “Sorry, they’re actually discontinued.”
DIS-CON-WHAT-UED??? Who in the WORLD decided that would be a good idea? Who DOESN’T like the everything bagel bites? I decided I needed to make a difference for everyone who has entered Starbucks at least once in their life. I knew my good deeds would make the world a better place.
So, the first thing I did was call the Starbucks president and honorary man, Karl Starx. We have a close bond. We are two bros, in fact. Here’s how the exchange went, exactly from my memory (and the very possible recording I took.)
“Karl, my man, what’s happening in Florida?” I said.
“You know… just the Florida biz!” He cackled into my ear.
“Haha, yeah! I’ve totally been to Florida. Hey, listen, how are those… y’know… everything bagel bites comin’?” I asked, unsuspiciously.
“Oh, those. Listen, don’t tell anyone, but… They are all here.”
“Florida?”
“Yes, inside my bagel mansion.”
I was absolutely blown away, so I said: “What?! Send me a picture right now, buddy!”
“It’s confidential, I simply cannot. Our plan is to send them to space.”
I gasped. “Space?! Why in the world would you do that?”
Now, this part made me rethink everything. Buckle up. He told me, “Elon Musk said X Æ A-Xii is going to live in space so they’re sending the kid all of the everything bagel bites. That’s what Grimes wanted. Elon Musk paid me a lot of money so I’m just going with it. They’re falling apart as a family a little (RIP) so I think he wanted to, I don’t know, repair things?”
“Of course a capitalist is sending all of the everything bagel bites to a child in space. Thanks for the information… Hm… Gotta go,” I said with only one thing on my mind.
The Scallion.
I report here for everything important happening. This is something we need to stop since it’s all Elon Musk’s fault that everything bagel bites from Starbucks are leaving planet Earth. Don’t we all have a connection to them? I know I do. Everyone I ask says the same exact thing! It just so happens that sexy people who hate Elon Musk also love everything bagel bites as much as I do! So, let’s do something about it.
I have an email written out as follows:
“Dear Elon,
Hey there. I was talking to your friend, Karl Starx. You know, the one who is sending all of the Starbucks everything bagel bites into space for your kid, X Æ A-Xii. (BTW I have to copy and paste that every time I talk about him. So, thanks for that.) I’m telling you right now if you don’t stop this right here, something bad is going to happen.
Every single bagel bite will be demolished. Every. Single. One. You know how? Well, bud, I have access to one thing you don’t have: being a sexy Elon Musk hater. That’s right. You stink. Us sexy Elon Musk haters are really good at loving everything bagel bites. We will eat them one by one. That’s a threat.
Sincerely (and love,)
Jay”
I will send this exact email to Elon Musk per plain bagel bite I receive as a freebie at Starbucks. That’s right! That means one order means two emails!!! Keep them coming so I can RUIN Elon Musk’s life by threatening to eat his bagel bites via email.
Please help my cause if you so desire. I know how many Musk haters are out there. (His last name is Musk. I know some of you just hate him for that.) If you see me in Starbucks, I’ll give you the go if you look at me long enough. Trust me, I’ll know.