JAY BYRON
Staff Scallywag
We all know that COVID-19 changed basically everything in our life, especially for those of us who live on campus.
There were many problems originally, like people being loud during quiet hours (I know my neighbors probably aren’t reading this but God I wish they were), the garbage trucks, the dried blood on the bathroom doors appearing multiple times (okay but seriously HOW do people keep doing that?!) and whatever other meticulous problem that may be occurring for you.
I must say, as the most popular and interesting person ever to exist in the history of the world (move over, Lin-Manuel Miranda… he’s popular and interesting, right? Yeah, I think so), I have a massive issue with the new visitor rule.
If you don’t already know, to keep people COVID safe, one student per dorm can only have one other visitor!!! So that means four people can be in the dorm at once if you have a roommate, but that is simply not enough for me at ALL.
I need more, for I am a big personality and I am very cool.
I also happen to be very smart so I did something a little wild so no one can call me basic anymore.
As we all know, I have many friends and all of them like me a lot. Well, I combined them all into one amalgamation of a person.
Yes, they are a little scary to look at. However, I give them a funny little hat and they’re normal again, basically. They also now only share one mind. Yeah, it’s a little confusing sometimes, in case you were wondering, since they only ever want McDonald’s when I want Wendy’s and they do not change their mind. I just get them what they want since I can’t tell if they’re going to turn on me or not.
Oh, you want to know what they look like? Well, they’re handsome in a little hat! They are blob-like, and I kind of like that because it’s sort of like being friends with slime. I know how many people love slime so I wanted a friend-shaped slime. I definitely got that.
Also, plot twist: I mentioned Lin-Manuel Miranda before… He may or may not be in this blob friend that I’ve made.
I know what you’re thinking, and no, the blob does NOT stop singing “My Shot” from the hit musical “Hamilton.” I’ve gotten a few noise complaints, but I can’t help it. They are infected by Lin-Manuel Miranda. He just really wanted to be my friend, I accepted, and now I’m stuck with an amalgamation of every person who has ever been my friend with a little hat on that can’t stop singing “My Shot” in my dorm room because all I wanted was to have all of my friends with me during COVID.
Honestly, I think every person should try to make an amalgamation of all of their friends. Oh wait, you can’t. Because I probably already stole your friends (OOOOOHHHH!!!). Actually, that’s not a lie. There’s some strangers in there that I somehow caught. Oops. It’s no big deal, though, because they’re just a part of the hivemind anyway.
Oh my God. I can just suck anyone up here and they can be a part of the blob.
No. No, I shouldn’t. That’s… That’s evil. Right?
Right?