MATTHEW BAUM
Scallion Editor and Pi Day Enthusiast
Tragedy struck the other night as Vernon Crompton, a native to the Fredonia area and alumnus of the class of 2017, was placed in permanent care after setting himself into a food coma.
Crompton, 26, has been known as an avid fan of Pi Day, a family tradition that celebrates the lineup of the calendar date, March 14, and the first three digits of pi, 3.14. Pi Day is not a federally recognized holiday, but the Cromptons apparently take it very seriously.
“We’re a big STEM family,” said Franchesca Crompton-Paulson, Vernon’s mother. “We have such an appreciation of the everyday wonders of mathematics, and it’s nice to know that Vern got where he is by doing what he loved.”
Usually, Pi Day is a family gathering, with Cromptons coming from all over the country to partake in math and pie-based festivities.
Due to the ongoing struggle against the COVID-19 pandemic, however, Vernon was seemingly planning on hosting a celebration all for himself. In his apartment, first responders found 31,373 home-baked pies, and 42 empty pie tins. It seemed as though Crompton was planning on eating exactly 31,415 pies for the day, falling miserably short and with nearly dire consequences.
According to medical professional Elmer Billingsworth, “There’s no telling if or when Crompton will ever snap out of it.”
Dr. Billingsworth has some experience with the Crompton family and their fascination with the arbitrary annual occurrence. He was the head of the Emergency Unit at Brooks Memorial Hospital during the “Crompton Overflow” event in 2015, where over two dozen members of the Crompton family were hospitalized after eating pies made with ergot-infested grains.
“This isn’t the worst I’ve ever seen from this family, but it is serious,” Billingsworth went on to explain. “It’s important to enjoy the little things in life, but it’s just as important to consider just how much you enjoy those little things. Big blowout parties could have big blowout consequences.”