BRIAN CECALA
Staff Scallywag
Recent reports around the campus have students worried. Sightings of a “demon-esque” figure crawling around on all fours on campus. Some say if you let it get too close, he’ll tickle you. Thus he has been dubbed “The Tickler.” I interviewed students who have claimed sightings of the foul beast, and this is what they had to say.
Wednesday, March 10, 10 p.m.
“I was walking back to my dorm after drinking some age-appropriate drinks when I saw this thing crawling around. I thought it was my friend Dave joking around, so I got closer to say, “Hey Dave!” I was too close when I realized I was too late! He pounced on me, screaming, “HAHAHA, I’M THE TICKLER! TICKLE ME THIS, BABY!” while he tickled me. He had 4-foot-long fingers, a massive smile and was wearing a pair of Nike Air Zoom SuperRep 2. I don’t leave my dorm past four in the afternoon anymore.” – Emily Moore, freshman
This was the first recorded sighting of The Tickler. Emily has since dropped out of Fredonia, fearing The Tickler may never be stopped. News around the campus started to travel, and some students decided to hunt for the creature to see if he was real.
Thursday, March 11, 12 a.m.
“At first, I thought maybe this was a guerilla marketing scheme because the first thing I noticed was his sick Nike Air Zoom SuperRep 2s. I thought to myself, “Maybe I cop some for myself.” But I was lost in the thought about the comfortable Zoom Air cushioning that will protect my feet as I lunge, jump and push my way through every rep; the Tickler had snuck up behind me and used his long fingers to force me into a chuckle. He tickled me for hours uninterrupted. I screamed for help, but no one came. By some grace, he left. I had no energy left, so I laid there for another five hours until someone called an ambulance for me.” – Jonathan Roth, junior
We talked to Jonathan in the hospital after his incident. He was very shaken up and did not know now whether or not he wanted to purchase a pair of the highly-rated Nike Air Zoom SuperRep 2. We will follow up when he makes his decision. For now, he is under intensive care until his condition stabilizes.
Some theorize that The Tickler isn’t a malicious creature, that it’s just a regular guy who needs some friends and hasn’t found the right way to express himself.
Friday, March 12, 7 p.m.
“I had heard the stories, but didn’t think they were true. But I couldn’t help but notice the iconic design, both fashionable and comfortable on the field. It was a pair of Nike Air Zoom SuperRep 2s on the body of a man crawling on the floor. So I shouted to him, “Hey Man! Nice shoes!” The creature seemed to be startled by me. He walked up to me, so I stuck out my hand for a low five. He slapped my skin and scurried into the forest. I haven’t seen him since.” – Devin Dorsey, senior
Sightings happen less frequently, but some still swear by his existence. Is The Fredonia Tickler a malicious Antichrist sent to destroy the world or a misunderstood man with some fabulous shoes? I’ll let you decide.