JAY BYRON
Staff Scallywag
What’s up with Fredonia?
I mean, we say we’re sooo inclusive, but I really can’t agree anymore under these circumstances. Frankly, I’m disappointed and I expected so much more from this school.
Why are dogs not allowed to take classes here?
The reason why I’m bringing this up now is because I had a spiritual experience with a dog named Charlie. He identifies as a smooth Jack Russell terrier. He’s pretty close to me since I’ve hung out with him a few times and tossed his favorite ball to him whenever he wanted.
While we were talking about the best meats and treats, he brought up his interest in education. Obviously, I was understanding since I, a student, have dog-like qualities myself. I am a loyal friend and I have fuzzy hair.
Wouldn’t it make sense for dogs to join us humans in the student body? They’re man’s best friend, after all. Plus, we know they learn neat tricks pretty quick, so who says they can’t learn advanced calculus?
I had an interview with Charlie about why he thinks he should be accepted as a Fredonia student. Afterwards, I met with some other dogs who would also like to be educated. I suggest you all read and learn more.
What do you want to go to school for?
Charlie, Jack Russell Terrier: I want a B.S. in Meat. I very much enjoy meat so I think learning about every meat would be good and fun. I also very much would like some meat at this very moment so if anyone has meat please come see me? I would like BEEF please. Thank you.
Stink, Pug: Vfjsakhfj ds ghjlk if hp hihaofibydjknfh gh iojolkasjk fygyuhbdsgyfjijo BIG HAND BIG PETS . jfk; u89 oh2inoj (Editor’s Note: Stink wanted to write this one himself.)
Blueberry, German Shepherd: I’ve always been quite interested in biochemistry. I think there’s a major importance to it in our society. Understanding biochemistry creates an understanding of the world around us. For me to be a professional biochemist alongside humans would be astronomically advanced and exactly what we need as beings on planet Earth.
How would you make Fredonia a better place?
Charlie: I would eat all the meat so every human can go vegan, because I very much believe that is a better thing for everyone to be. Thank you. Meat for me is better than meat for you, thank you.
Stink: I like when people give me rubs on my tum so I think it would be nice if everyone touched me.
Blueberry: I’ve already touched on it a little, but I’ll come back to it in more depth. Imagine you are sitting in a classroom and a dog strolls in. You would think, “This dog knows nothing.” However, there’s a possibility I know more than you. Wouldn’t it be fascinating to sit in a classroom at the same level as a dog? I may be your best friend, but I am also your peer. We would be able to study together and I would be able to tutor you.
Finally, how do you feel about Fredonia only accepting human students?
Charlie: That is very bad, because I am a dog and I would like to be accepted. I think dogs and humans should go to Fredonia because I like it here.
Stink: What da heck?
Blueberry: Though it seems justified enough because dogs seem like they know less than humans, humans will know better after this article. We all feel it is unjust in our right as beings living on this planet together. We all share the same space, so why not have us join in a few classes? Why are we not allowed to explore the land that was taken from every other organism? Really, we can argue all day on whether or not humans are superior. No one will have a direct answer. There are some beings who may think cats are better than humans because they don’t cry over breakups. So, accept us. We will bring nothing but joy and evolution.