MATTHEW BAUM
Scallion Editor
That’s right. Joe Marciniak, local strongman and former editor of the Scallion, has been dethroned.
It is I, Matthew Baum, who wears the noble title of Editor nowadays, and I am taking my newfound power very seriously.
My first order of business was to erect a mighty throne in the Leader office for me to lounge in during my office hours, but that was shot down and I had to construct my own Ikea chair. My second command, however, was treated much more graciously.
Before abdicating from his position of authority, Joe Marciniak gave himself tremendously long legs. Really. Unbearably long. It was cumbersome, not only for him, but everyone around him.
When I was told about this horrid abuse of his Editor status, I knew he must be stopped. I sent out my greatest troops to apprehend this long-legged man I once idolized, to ensure the safety of the surrounding area.
The good news is that Joe wasn’t trying to leave Fredonia. Brian and Jay, my two noblest paladins, found him sitting on the roof of his apartment complex, seemingly because his legs were too long to fit inside.
It took only a few minutes of coaxing to convince him that long legs did not suit him, and he agreed to have his mega-legs removed.
Unfortunately, the professional leg shortener on campus, Constantine Tran, took a little too much off the top, and now Joe has legs that are a little shorter than what he used to have.
Like Icarus flying too close to the sun, Joe’s hubris has sent him earthbound. Never again will he be able to play jump rope with power lines, and now we at the Scallion have some long tubes that were once Joe’s leg enhancers that are taking up my office space.
Heavy is the head that bears the crown, I suppose.