JAY BYRON
Staff Scallywag
In October of the year 2019, I went to a party. It was absolutely bonkers — I watched someone dressed up as the “stonks” guy vaping and a fake Belle Delphine carrying around mason jars of “bath water” Everclear.
However, the best thing I had seen that night was a Baby Yoda shotgun a black cherry White Claw.
Now, I have not a single clue how shotgunning works. I just watched that Baby Yoda down a can of White Claw and I couldn’t take my eyes off of the sight. It was possibly the most jarring thing I had ever seen in the year of 2019.
This? This is my villain origin story.
I went out and got a totally legitimate dentist to replace my teeth with diamonds for extra security with my shotgunning adventures. It kind of hurt, but that’s the price you pay for being baller as hell. They were made into sharp points so I could look like Sharkboy from Sharkboy and Lavagirl, because I’ve always wanted to be like him.
I practiced my shotgunning skills with only my teeth for hours on end. I started off with a beer. Easy. Tasted like pee and grass. I realized that was child’s play, so I moved on to a jar of Nutella because I was curious. With my newfound diamond powers, I basically changed physics and I ended up consuming that entire jar of Nutella faster than anyone in the existence of the universe. I sucked it up like it was air.
Then, I realized, it was time for the big event.
The White Claw.
I was going to beat Baby Yoda at his own game. I was going to consume this so fast and so hard with only my teeth as my tool. I was going to suck the living daylights out of this White Claw. I stuck my teeth in, opened the tab, and drained that carbonated white noise into my Sharkboy mouth.
I was everything at once, but I still felt the same.
Even after I beat Baby Yoda at his shotgunning game, I did not feel fulfilled. Baby Yoda may be super cool and rad for being able to shotgun a White Claw, but really, who cares? I mean, I was unstoppable. I could have shotgunned anything at all. I could have shotgunned a pig! I don’t know why I said that.
The reason why I’m saying all of this is because I realized I could just use my diamond teeth to get anything. So, I grabbed a whole blue raspberry glass Svedka bottle off the shelf and took it home to consume in my Zoom class since I knew I’d be bored and I wanted to show everyone my skills.
When I got home, I sat down, turned on my camera, and let all of my classmates witness me holding the colorful bottle.
“Don’t do it,” one of them said.
“You’ll hurt yourself!” Another cried.
“Yeah, f*cking go hard, bro.” My one supporter cheered me on. That was good enough for me.
I bit into that thing like I was a vampire and gulped it down like it was my last meal on this horrific planet. Everyone stared in awe. The vodka had drained from the entire bottle and my entire body was ready to be lit on fire. The professor hyped me up and cheered through the screen. Everyone clapped.
From that day forward, I was known as a national hero from my shotgunning abilities. I know that Baby Yoda is out there somewhere, seeing all of my accomplishments, and weeping from pride.