BRIAN CECALA
Staff Scallywag
In April of 2019, the police stopped giving the Scallion permission to post the campus police reports. I, however told the Chief of Campus Police that if they didn’t give me permission to post the daily reports, I would write the article “Fredonia Campus Police Chief poops (and he likes it)!” every week until we could post them again.
This is, however, extortion and they said if I published that article I would be liable for slander. So now, I pay the Police Chief one McChicken a week and he will let me post the notters again.
Monday, March 1, 2:32 p.m.
Police were notified of a ruckus in the Starbucks on campus involving a small child going on a rampage. When police arrived, it was a sophomore student (who was just short) tearing up the place. The damages were four broken mugs, two broken chairs and one spilled venti light ice cold brew with six pumps of caramel, two pumps of vanilla and oat milk. The student was detained, and when asked why, they said it was because Starbucks had gotten rid of the “everything bagel bites.”
Tuesday, March 2, 12:12 p.m.
An officer stopped a student for wearing shorts in 30 degree weather. The student asked, “Who are you, the fashion police?” and it was, in fact, Officer Dirk Sharpton, our department fashion officer. The student was taken in for a first-degree fashion misdemeanor and sentenced to two months of hard labor in the Fredonia Gulag.
Tuesday, March 2, 4:49 p.m.
Officers investigated students playing a card game in the Williams Center. Upon further investigation, the game was “Magic: the Gathering.” The officers reviewed case law on whether or not it was illegal to be a massive nerd. Unfortunately, the current understanding of the law allows for nerds to exist in public. The unit will further examine options for future offenders.
Friday, March 5, 8:12 p.m.
Officers investigated a noise complaint in Gregory Hall. The officers found the student was listening to John Mayer. The music wasn’t loud but no one should be listening to John Mayer, so the student’s phone was confiscated.
Saturday, March 6, 7:32 p.m.
Officers stopped local handsome stud, Brian Cecala, for looking really cool and being very polite. They gave him $100 for being such inferior men to his Greek sculpture-like stature. They bowed on the floor and cried “We’re not worthy!” Several bystanders commented on how handsome he was during this encounter.