MATTHEW BAUM
Astrology amateur and general party-pooper
**DISCLAIMER** — I do not know much about astrology, so these will be out of order. If you could, print them in this order. I think it’ll be funny.
Libra: You’re gonna want to avoid eating any fish items this week. I can sense a hot, steamy turbulence coming your way if you chomp down on some mackerel.
Sagittarius: You need to do some deep breathing exercises. Your shoulders are tense, and letting that tension go could be of use to you.
Aries: Holy sh*t, get some sleep! You’ve got a lot on your plate, and it feels good to stay busy, but there’s only so much one person can do without shutting down.
Cancer: Ugh. I really suggest that you sit down, take a second, and start jotting down everything you’ve got on your mind. Your restless thoughts are keeping you from fully embracing life.
Scorpio: Have you considered trying out for the wrestling team? You’ve got an underutilized fire to you, and I think putting someone in a full Nelson might help you focus that fire a little more.
Gemini: Take some aspirin. You’ve got to be sore, am I right? If not aspirin, a little acetaminophen. Take care of yourself these next few days.
Aquarius: You might wanna charge your phone. I have a hunch.
Capricorn: Hats off to you pal. No problems I can see. Good for you! So kind, and thoughtful, and funny, and modest… Just all around, ten points to Caps.
Leo: Leo! I feel like you oughta take a nap sometime soon. Not a long nap, just something to reset you out of that weird funk you’ve been in recently. That should help.
Pisces: You know what? Go watch a rom-com and settle down. You deserve it; I feel like you’re going through some stuff these days. A rom-com will help just a little.
Taurus: Yeah, same to you. Go watch a rom-com. You might not need it as much as the Pisces person, but it could still do you some good.
Virgo: If I were you, I’d tone down some of the out-loud respect for Eminem. Everybody gets Rap God, everybody gets The Real Slim Shady, but there’s a lot this dude did that’s not quite so… tasteful.