GRIFFIN DOMBROSKE
Special to The Leader
I suppose I should preface this with the fact that I am in no way well-versed in any Hockey team and their players.
That being said, I have decided to rate their performance in the NBA based solely off of how broke their hairline is. First up is Lebron James, the starting quarterback for the Los Angeles Croquet team. While he looks like he has a pretty professional haircut, the only thing I can think of when I see him is how his hairline seems to be receding into the Stone Age. Fans frequently compare him to Michael Jordan in terms of skill level, but I can only compare him to a landing strip at LAX airport for how expansive his forehead is. I give Lebron’s hairline a 10/10.
Next up is Stevo Curry, a sharpshooter for the Golden State Gerbils. Now I’ve seen Curry play at least once and I’m fully prepared to say that this man is worth over $100 million as of this year, yet seems to be unable to afford a decent barber. This is a guy who goes 20/20 from the 3 point line when he can’t even go 0/1 in the hairline department. Stephen Curry’s hairline is as broken as his jumper. 10/10.
Next up we have James Harden, a man that once had a home at the Brooklyn Seagulls Frisbee Golf team, who now appears to have no home at all. James Harden has the ability to grow hair and has decided to make it everyone’s problem. I am actually quite sure I saw him outside of a Sunoco asking me for money for one more pack of Marlboro’s. James Harden needs a haircut, 10/10.
Last up, we have Nikola Jokić, who’s last name almost doubles as the name of his hairline. (Cause it’s a joke haha please fire me). Recent pictures show that his hairline seems to be recovering, however real fans know the truth. In 2019, Jokić’s hairline suffered a fatal injury in the infamous San Francisco Barbershop tragedy. Although he tries to hide it, Jokić’s hairline was never the same. Hopefully, with time and intense physical therapy, his hairline will be reinstated as being one of the worst hairlines in the history of lawn darts, 10/10.