JULES HOEPTING
Design Editor
They weren’t going to be happy.
My fingers curled around the edge of the podium, I looked at people in blazers with tape recorders aimed at me. They were all six feet apart from each other, but it felt like they were six inches from my face, reading my thoughts through my transparent skull.
I was the reason why they weren’t going to be happy.
“As you know, I have called you here today to this press conference to relay some troubling news.”
I paused until the silence became uncomfortable.
“The government has deceived the American public into taking the COVID-19 vaccine.”
The silence drew more uncomfortable. Despite half of their faces being masked, the media personnel did not appear surprised. A red blazer gestured for more information.
“The portion of the government receiving superb funding from lobbying efforts decided to put the vaccine in slices of American cheese on McDonald’s cheeseburgers.”
The blazers’ eyes began blazing.
“The rationale was simple: Americans are hesitant to take the vaccine because they are concerned with what is inside the vaccine. They want to put something inside their body that they trust. American cheese, made up of a bunch of ingredients most people are unfamiliar with but are relatively common in highly processed food, seemed like a perfect medium.”
The whole plan had been birthed from my brain, but it was easier to blame it on the government.
“And how do you justify the morality of such an act?” a mortified black blazer queried.
“The number of COVID cases in the United States has decreased by 40 percent in the last month.”
It was easier to win people over through their stomachs than their minds. I was serving the American public slices of justice and safety in their favorite annatto-colored burger toppers.
I was a good person, cut from a Heluva Good block, but they wouldn’t see it that way.
“In America, we value our freedom,” the red blazer noted. “Why can’t we choose whether or not we want to be vaccinated?”
By utilitarian reasoning.
“Isn’t it more unethical to allow millions of people to die from a virus a vaccine will grant us immunity to?”
“Statistics!” shouted the black blazer, their finger pointed to the ceiling, “Can easily be manipulated. Where is your proof!?”
I filled my lungs to capacity with air, then depleted that air.
“The government is truly sorry for deceiving the American public into taking the COVID-19 vaccine. The government will do it’s best to forbid such deception from ever happening again. No further questions. Thank you for your time.”
The blazers gave me cold shoulders as I left the press room.
They thought of me as holes in their freedom, as someone who was stringing them along for entertainment, as someone who was skimming the building blocks of being an American. But one day they would see me as a wholesome hero.