HANNAH BLIDY
Staff Scallywag
Yes, you read that title correctly. No horoscopes for me this week. They were hijacked from me by other members of the Scallywag crew. I’m so upset that I just started writing this article so that maybe they’ll give them back to me. Please guys, I don’t know if I can handle this. I haven’t written a real article since Spring 2020! How the hell am I supposed to remember how to do this?
For those who don’t know, I started with the Scallion last year. I actually did write a few good articles (check out “Bernie Sanders wants to get rid of the 1 percent — yes, even 1 percent milk”), but over the summer, my talent was stripped away by this illness that I caught. No, not coronavirus. It was called “Astrolitis.”
This illness took away all my actual writing capabilities and replaced them with fake knowledge about astrology. Yes, it’s true, the horoscopes aren’t accurate at all. It’s all fake. Promise me you won’t say anything to Matt Baum about this, won’t you? I think he’d probably send some hitmen after me if he found out. He thinks they’re all real, but nope, they’re not.
*KNOCK KNOCK*
Oh f*ck. They’ve found me. Tell my mother I love her.