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BRIAN CECALA IS THE NEW CHIEF OF FREDONIA U.P. AND HE HAS NEW RULES

BRIAN CECALA

KING OF FREDONIA

WHAT’S UP ASSH*LES. FOR APRIL FOOLS POLICE NOTTERS, THE CHIEF OF POLICE SAID I COULD BE THE POLICE CHIEF AND HE WOULD WRITE A FUNNY ARTICLE. HOWEVER, I PULLED AN APRIL PRANK. I HAVE STATED SOME NEW RULES FOR ALL FREDONIA STUDENTS.

NEW RULE 1 – I AM KING OF FREDONIA CAMPUS, AND CURRENT CHIEF OF POLICE BENJAMIN BOOKER IS NOW A CRIMINAL AND SHALL BE PLACED IN THE BRAND NEW FREDONIA GULAG FOR LIFE.

THIS IS THE NEW ERA OF RULE OVER FREDONIA. I WILL BE CRACKING DOWN ON ALL DECISIONS. BE PREPARED TO FALL IN LINE OR BE CRUSHED MY POWER.

NEW RULE 2 – NO ONE IS ALLOWED TO TYPE IN ALL CAPS ANYMORE.

ONLY I MAY TYPE IN ALL CAPS BECAUSE I AM THE ONLY ONE WORTHY OF ITS SUPERIOR POWER. PEASANTS MAY ONLY TYPE IN LOWERCASE. SEE EXAMPLE BELOW.

“i am a little baby who is not allowed to use capitals. all hail emperor king and captain capital brian cecala.” -you

NEW RULE 3 – MANDATORY NICE HOURS. FROM THE HOURS OF 6 P.M. TO 8 P.M., YOU ARE REQUIRED TO ENGAGE IN POLITE AND FLATTERING CONVERSATION ABOUT THE FOLLOWING TOPICS…

  • HOW HANDSOME I AM
  • HOW COOL I AM
  • HOW GOOD AT STRATEGIC CARD GAMES I AM
  • HOW THIN AND TALL I AM
  • HOW SMART I AM

FAILURE TO ENGAGE IN ANY OF THESE TOPICS WILL RESULT IN ONE WEEK OF HARD LABOUR IN THE NEW FREDONIA GULAG. ADDITIONAL TOPICS MAY BE SUBMITTED, BUT ARE SUBJECT TO PRIOR APPROVAL BY THE COMMITTEE OF BEAUTIFUL BOUNCING BOYS FOR BRIAN (CBBBB FOR SHORT).

NEW RULE 4 – ITALIAN WEEK AT THE BLUE DEVIL GRILL IS CANCELED. YOU’RE WELCOME. IN ITS PLACE WILL BE PIZZA AND WINGS DAY BECAUSE THEY ARE MY FAVORITE FOODS. 

NEW RULE 5 – THE SPORTS SECTION OF THE LEADER IS CANCELED. REPLACING IT IS A NEW SECTION DEDICATED TO ANIME. 

NEW RULE 6 – THE SONG DRIVER’S LICENSE IS BANNED ON CAMPUS. I DON’T LIKE IT, SO YOU’RE NOT ALLOWED TO PLAY IT. 

NEW RULE 7-  ANY STUDENTS WHO WISH TO DEDICATE THEIR LIFE TO THEIR NEW KING SHOULD ENLIST IN THE NEW FREDONIA MILITIA. THIS MILITIA IS DEDICATED TO ENFORCING THE NEW RULES AND PREVENTING UNLAWFUL GATHERING OR PROTESTS OF STUDENT DISSENT. STUDENTS WHO ENLIST WILL RECEIVE A FULL SCHOLARSHIP AND ONE MCCHICKEN A WEEK. 

THANK YOU ALL FOR TUNING IN. PLEASE BE ON THE LOOKOUT FOR MORE NEW RULES, AS I WILL BE ROLLING THEM OUT THROUGHOUT THE FOLLOWING YEARS OF MY POWER. ADDITIONALLY, WE THANK THE NEW SCIENCE BUILDING FOR ITS RECONSTRUCTION INTO THE NEW FREDONIA GULAG. OH! SPEAKING OF…

NEW RULE 8 – THE SCIENCES HAVE BEEN DISCONTINUED. ALL STUDENTS AND FACULTY WHO WERE PREVIOUSLY IN THE SCIENCE DEPARTMENT ARE NOW B.A. THEATRE STUDENTS/PROFESSORS. GOOD LUCK!

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