JAMES MEAD
Editor, Barely Managing to Write This Semester
Well, it’s almost that time of the semester, and FredFest is on everyone’s minds — everyone but SUNY Fredonia’s new president, that is.
FredFest, an annual Fredonia tradition where college students raise money in support of their unhealthy alcohol habits, was cancelled last year due to a “global health emergency.”
This year, however, that tradition is expected to continue.
As a precursor to the coming apocalypse, some students held St. Patrick’s Day celebrations and successfully doubled the campus’ COVID cases in a matter of days.
President Kolison, a relative newcomer to the school, expressed grave disappointment in the reckless behavior.
“If we have another weekend as we had last weekend,” he said, “…we will have some hard decisions to make.”
Unfortunately, according to the latest reports, campus administration has not yet informed him about FredFest.
Speaking on the condition of complete anonymity, Sara Walters, executive administrator of developmental student advancement, said, “We just don’t know how to do it. He was so bummed out about St. Patrick’s Day, no one wants to break his heart.”
“We thought about maybe writing it on a cake,” she continued, “but if I’m being honest, none of us could agree on the flavor. What really says, ‘We’re all going to die.’ Red velvet?”
While Walters and the administration have been planning the news, some of the recently-disciplined students have been planning their return.
“Oh, hell yeah I’m coming back for #FredFest21,” said Trent Hayes. “Yeah, I might be suspended from classes, but not from raging!”
Hayes, waiting to hear updates as the Office of Student Conduct reviews his case, is currently staying with an unnamed family member in Miami Beach.
When pressed, he admitted there was no family member in Miami Beach.
Although it appears that President Kolison is due for a potentially rude awakening at Fredonia, the rest of campus is hunkering down.
Remember: when in public, wear a mask, keep a six-foot distance from other people and assume that every single college student is infectious (though not exclusively with COVID).