LYDIA TURCIOS
Guest Scallywag
Salutations, students!
To the student body of SUNY Fredonia comes breaking news from the World Headquarters for Alternate Treatment. If you cannot get your hands on any of the currently available COVID-19 vaccines, you’re in luck! Your campus is under review to be an immunity hotspot!
Here is a list in no particular order from our esteemed scientists here at WHAT of what you should come into contact with on your lovely campus so we can test if it will do away with your need for the vaccine.
Happy testing!
From your friendly scientists at the WHAT:
- Ride the freight elevator in Rockefeller Center. I mean really, when’s the last time they cleaned that thing?
- Touch the bare mattresses in the dorm rooms with your bare hands. This one’s self explanatory, isn’t it?
- Eat a pizza log from Williams Center. Our theory is that the sheer amount of grease will coat your cells and protect from the virus!
- Have you showered in literally any dorm and accidentally brushed against the slimy curtain? We think you’re immune!
- Live in Chautauqua.
- Touch literally any wall? Since they are just coats of paint on paint ad nauseam, we are sure there are ancient illnesses lurking underneath! If you can’t reach those, the dead bugs on top will do fine.
- Touch a lecture hall chair with your bare hands.
- Touch a lecture hall desk with your bare hands.
- Touch a lecture hall.
- Share the communal fridges in your residence halls! Deep freeze that cross contamination!
- Ride the Fredonia community bus! Maybe we can call it the immunity mobile?
- Try putting your mouth on a water fountain! Note: This may just lead to gastrointestinal issues.
Thank you for your cooperation! Please send any acquired data to the WHAT through carrier pigeon at 404 Nottascam Avenue. We will get back to you with a 30% off Popeyes coupon and a Hallmark get well soon card within 2-5 business days.
Please note: The WHAT will not be held accountable for any injury or illnesses. Participation in this test is voluntary and non-compulsory. Any and all complaints should be directed to our HR department through the use of smoke signals at the witching hour on blue moons only.