CHLOE KOWALYK
Staff Writer
It would be awful to learn a second language. Take it from a gal who knows.
Research suggests that learning another language helps improve memory. Why would I want to do that? To make room for more memories like my last prom date rejection?
No thank you.
Also, you’d practically be subjecting yourself to the slow and loudly spoken speech of small-brained Americans who are convinced you can’t understand them. My nAmE is Cah-Low-eE. No hablas española Señorita, sí. Can I have el coffee por favor?
It’s pretty obnoxious.
Yet another reason you should avoid educating yourself is because learning a language activates both sides of the brain. Why would I want to think more when I can simply think less? The other half of my brain is strictly for remembering my 17-part daily Starbucks order.
Do you know what else? Learning a foregin language actually benefits. . . learning. Ew.
I really don’t want to learn more about the Pythagorean Quadratic Formula or whatever in math class. Ignorance is bliss, especially when it comes to learning. I don’t need that experience enhanced.
I heard from a little birdie that bilingualism helps students earn higher standardized test scores. Why would you ever want anything above a 400 on the SAT? That just means you have to go to college and learn more pointless stuff about being a productive member of society or whatever.
Yikes.
That’s not to mention the physical changes that occur to a language-learner’s brain. Researchers have found that there is an increase in cortical thickness in the brains of bilinguals, which helps to improve intelligence.
Along with that, learning a second language activates the Wernicke’s and Broca’s areas of the brain, which help improve reading comprehension and verbal communication skills.
The last thing you want is your child to be walking around with a hot air balloon-sized head on their shoulders. They’d probably be called “fivehead” or something mean like that.
Here’s the worst part of all. Knowing a second language opens the door for more job opportunities! Bilingual applicants are more likely to be hired and even make more than monolingual employees.
I don’t know about you, but I really don’t want a job.
Who wants to wake up every day and go to work? Then you have to deal with awful office Christmas parties where you have to buy a gift for your weird coworker whose only interests are unscented candles and sweaters for her seven cats.
I’m not about that life.
Parents, I urge you not to sign your kids up for a foreign language when the time comes. Do you really want them to be lame and smart? Or to experience life-changing opportunities and a various number of cognitive benefits?
Of course not!
They’d be enhancing their learning, getting exposed to different cultures and improving their memory.
I suggest you spare them from the future memories of Punnett Square Calculus rules and William Shakespeare now.
Please, adopt the ideas of #Antilingualism today.